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One More Tucked Up Holiday -*- Copyright 2009 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


One More Tucked Up Holiday


***
06:00 26 Nov

     "Bedoop!"
     "Ohhhhhhh..."

***
06:01 26 Nov

     "Bedoop!"
     "Gahhhh, I hate you..."  But I forced myself upright, because there
was tons to do today, and undoubtedly Mom would be rampaging because of
me being over at the Parkers for the afternoon.

***
06:22 26 Nov

     "Man, you wank," I complained as Brian took my place in the
bathroom and shut the door.  He had the day off too, which I hadn't
anticipated.
     Not, I eventually realized, that it mattered to me one way or
another.

***
06:31 26 Nov

     Since I was the only one up - besides Brian - and since people were
going to demand breakfast, I thought I'd better get started on cooking
it.  Although I didn't have to eat it; I still had a few plates left
over that I'd better take care of today.
     "Still, some of it..."  I went to check what I was supposed to eat,
in case some of it would go better with fresh-cooked stuff like eggs.

***
07:18 26 Nov

     It was amazing what the smell of food and coffee could do.  I
usually skipped the breakfast part of the day as much as I could, but
since I was cooking it, I got to see EVERYONE stagger in, grab some
coffee and et cetera, and then slowly wake up.  And hardly anyone was
grumbling or anything unpleasant.  Even Mom seemed... well, 'happy' was
definitely not the right word, but she hadn't bitched once yet.

***
07:48 26 Nov

     "Sarah," I overheard Grandma saying, "why is he fixing breakfast?"
     "He's been doing that sometimes when he's home on weekdays," Mom
answered.
     "Skipping school?  Why do-"
     "NO, Mother, when he's been sick."
     "What's he doing cooking if he's sick?"
     I decided that washing dishes was the smart thing to do at the
moment.  Besides, Mom got all unreasonable if I jumped in with flanking
fire during an argument, even if it was supporting fire.

***
08:42 26 Nov

     "Because you're stronger than me," I lied to Brian.  The reason
was, I was older and therefore I got to use the tools, instead of
holding up his bunk bed.
     "You are such a wimp," he informed me.
     "Lift it up so I can put the bolt in," I told him, changing the
subject.  I didn't appreciate the insult, but I really didn't want to
start feeling defensive, get into an argument, and screw myself into
holding up bunk beds.

***
09:04 26 Nov

     "Get Brian to do it!  He's stronger than me!"  Besides, being in
Susan's room always made me nervous; I kept expecting to turn around and
find a fist.
     "You take directions better," Dad said.
     "Well, how's he supposed to learn to take directions if he doesn't
get practice?" I tried.
     Dad added, "Besides, he's cleaning the bathrooms."
     "Oh."  Tough decision; would I rather-
     "So come on and help me get the frame."
     "Uhhhhhhh," I let out in one last, futile, hopeless protest.
     "At least we don't have to do yours," he mentioned.
     "Uh, yeah," I said, as I remembered Pam whacking her head on the
top bunk.  "But I think we need to take it off when everyone leaves."
     "Why?"
     "Uh, I just do."

***
10:17 26 Nov

     I wasn't sure I really wanted this many pies, or at least not
enough to actually cook them.  Not that I had a choice in the matter, of
course; everyone else wanted them, and especially Mom and Dad, and they
wanted me to make and bake them.  Well, I didn't literally have to bake
them, as that was the ovens' job.
     We were going to have a lot of them, though.
     "What are you doing to that crust!  Is that how you make a pie
crust?!"
     If I didn't kill someone.
     "Mom, why don't you show him how to do it, instead of yelling at
him," Mom suggested, instead of whacking Grandma with a pot or something
useful.
     "I'm not yelling at him, Sarah, I'm asking a question."
     Grandma glared at me until I said, "Well, I thought-  Could you
show me instead?" I corrected, because Mom had already said that and I
might as well go with it since the pot option was apparently out.

***
10:58 26 Nov

     "Cornbread next," Grandma ordered.  "Or you won't have it ready by
tomorrow."
     Mom and I sighed and looked at each other, and she shook her head a
little.  I guess I'd been broadcasting the thought that we could kill
her and all the rest and we'd actually have time to cut them all into
small easily-disposable chunks before anyone would miss them.

***
12:06 26 Nov

     How anyone could eat, with all the cooking going on, I had no idea;
but there they were, stuffing their faces in the dining room.  I stayed
in the kitchen, working madly on pies and the rest, dodging the damned
turkeys which for some reason we could NOT put outside to defrost but
had to have in the kitchen in coolers, and trying not to gag or run
away.

***
13:37 26 Nov

     "Mom!  I have to go to WORK!  Dad!"  He was better for work-
related commitments than Mom, especially when it came to me cooking.  If
Mom didn't want all the frenzy, she could tell her relatives that we all
had lethal influenza, like I'd suggested a few years ago.

***
14:16 26 Nov

     "Fuck," I sighed when I was finally pulling out of my driveway and
somewhat safe from getting even MORE shit on top of everything I'd
already gone through.  I was gonna have to shower at Rachel's, too; I
hadn't dared do it here in case I got caught and pulled into doing
something else 'just for a minute' or 'just one thing'.

***
14:53 26 Nov

     "Oh, right," I sighed.  I must've blocked out that I'd be baking at
the Parkers today.  Or I hadn't had time to worry, or think.
     "What kind are you making?" Ricky wanted to know.
     "Sp-  I don't know, it dep-"
     "Spinach?!"
     I had been going to claim 'spider'.  "What, you never had a spinach
pie before?"
     "Oh grossssssss!" he howled in culinary terror.
     "Wait, I've SEEN you eat spinach," I remembered.
     "But not in a PIE!  That's GROSS!"
     The idea of 'quiche' now entered my brain and would not leave.
Well, this was one of the many reasons I carried the laptop with me.

***
15:12 26 Nov

     "She's not?"
     Miz Pike said, "Beth didn't drop her- Beth Parker," she clarified
in case I needed it.
     "But she-  Oh, right, she stayed home today to cook and stuff," I
remembered.  "I guess she kept Stella..."  Miz Pike was nodding like I
should've remembered all this already.  Which I probably should have,
but this did not make me less irritated.  "Okay, uh, thanks, and, uh,
sorry to bother you," I told her, making the effort.
     "Oh, no bother," she said in reply, which was wrong; I was plenty
bothered, on a day when I didn't need any more bother.  "Happy
Thanksgiving!" she added, a last low blow.

***
15:31 26 Nov

     "Is this what you were talking about?" Miz Parker asked, pointing
at-
     "Holy crap," I thought, looking at the marble slab she was pointing
at.  Susan had managed to break one, once, and I'd had to pay for half
of it because Mom and Dad had said it was half my fault for throwing a
live rat snake at her while she was carrying it.  I'd paid for half of
it for a VERY LONG TIME.  "You just bought that?  Today?"
     She was glaring at me for some reason, but admitted, "Yes?" like I
was going to argue with her about it for some reason.
     "No, it's perfect," I told her, truthfully.  "Just be careful when
moving it, 'cause they break if you drop 'em."

***
15:43 26 Nov

     I got some plastic wrap to protect the laptop, because now that I'd
downloaded the recipes I needed, I needed to have it close by to refer
to.  We had a Macintosh in the kitchen for this purpose, all sealed up
and filtered and things, but of course the Parkers, being stunningly
primitive folk, did not.  Luckily, I didn't need net connectivity any
more - I'd downloaded everything to local disk temp files - because they
also didn't have an RJ-11 jack near the counters I needed, and running
an extension cable across the floor was just asking for trouble.  And I
didn't have an extension phone cable either.

***
16:37 26 Nov

     "Oh, duh."  The reason it was easier cooking here, even without all
the good tools, is that I didn't have Mom, Grandma, Aunt Cynthia,
Marion, Susan, and/or Dad bothering me or staring over my shoulder or
telling me how to do it.  Or whining about whether it was done yet and
how long it was going to take.  Even having Miz Parker watch and ask
dumb questions was easier.
     I could've stopped here, since there were five more pies loaded and
waiting in queue for the oven - she only had one oven - but I'd been
sort of thinking of quiche since I'd brought Ricky home, and I'd saved a
few homemade crusts for this very occasion.

***
16:53 26 Nov

     "Why are you cooking bacon?" Miz Parker wanted to know.
     "For quiche.  I bet you aren't going to have THAT tomorrow," I
predicted.  "And Ricky said he'd never had spinach in a pie."  If Miz
Parker had had rhubarb I'd have tried a rhubarb pie, but not
surprisingly she hadn't gotten any.
     "Can I have some?"
     "No," I told Ricky.  I had saved some strips for tasters, but they
would taste better if he had to work at getting them.
     "Oh come on!  Please?!  Pleaaaaaaaaase!"
     He was so predictable.

***
17:03 26 Nov

     "Hello, Sarah Tucker," Mom snapped.
     "Mom, s'Tuck.  Want quiche this evening?  I made extra."
     "Um..."
     "Homemade crusts.  And Miz Parker got a marble slab just for this."
     "She what?"
     "I swear, she got it today or late last night or something.  It
wasn't here yesterday."  Or it was hidden in the back of a cabinet.  Or-
     "How many did you make?"
     "Just two to take home," I admitted.  "Oh-"
     "That's not enough for everyone," she mentioned, like I hadn't just
thought of that myself.
     "Yeah, but it's fresh, and it's your recipe," I taunted her.  "Or
it will be when it finishes."
     "When will you be home?"
     "About seven thirty or eight."
     She sighed into the phone.  "Okay, bring 'em.  We'll see what else
we come up with."
     "Okay, then, see ya."

***
19:09 26 Nov

     I almost gagged at the thought of eating, but managed to contain
it, since I didn't think the Parkers would appreciate me gagging when
food was mentioned.  Especially not their food, that I had cooked.  "No,
I have to get home, 'cause we have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.  And I
think we still have relatives, MORE relatives, coming in."  I was pretty
sure, since the weather hadn't gone really bad.

***
19:38 26 Nov

     "Hey, have a happy Thanksgiving," I told Dave as I waved and left.
Rachel was already gone wherever.

***
20:09 26 Nov

     I found myself outside my house, stuck in my car, panting, because
I needed to go in and yet I couldn't.
     "Okay, okay, it'll be okay," I kept telling myself, but it wasn't
working.
     "Oh, hey."  I realized suddenly that Amy ought to be here by now.
And Amy might like some quiche.

***
20:11 26 Nov

     There were hundreds of people in my house, and I wasn't allowed to
shoot any of them.
     "Amy!"
     "TUCK!" she squealed and threw herself at me.  Unfortuntely, I had
to deflect her into a wall to preserve the quiche I was holding.
     "Watch the quiche!  Watch the quiche!" I squealed in the hopes that
would hold her off from trying to beat on me.

***
20:14 26 Nov

     "Real men don't eat quiche," Amy smirked.
     "What the f-"  I just barely managed to cut that off.  "-Does that
mean?"
     She went from amused and condescending to puzzled.  "You never read
the book?"
     "What book?!"

***
20:21 26 Nov

     In the massive confusion of two more aunts and their husbands and
kids and all, Amy and I managed to escape up to my room with a chunk of
the quiche - it seemed more appetizing now, but maybe that was because
there was other food to eat that I hadn't been smelling and cooking for
hours - as well as the remnants of one of Mom's pies and the appropriate
utensils.  And some of that other food, of course.
     I wasn't expecting Susan to be in my room, but I guess it made
sense.  I looked longingly at my door, which USED to keep people out
before it had been attacked and disabled.
     "What is that?"
     "Tuck made quiche, over at his babysitting," Amy answered.
     I added, "And I didn't want to eat downstairs.  Got a plate or
something?  Or a mess kit?"
     "I don't need a kit, you've already got a mess in here," she shot
back.
     "Bitch!" Amy protested.  "Leave him alone!  Or you can't have any,"
she taunted, waving a second plate at Susan.  I wondered if she'd known
Susan was up here without her own, or if not, just what she'd planned to
do with a second plate.
     Susan just sighed.  "And there's nowhere to eat in here either."
     Amy just plopped down on the floor, somehow managing not to spill
her plate or her Coke, went cross-legged, put her plate in her lap, and
sawed off some of the quiche.
     "Susan, why don't you take the bed," I offered.
     "You and that stupid chair," she grumbled back, but sat on the bed
and put her empty plate in front of her.  "Go get me a towel, okay?"
     "Why?"  I did not like the idea of her doing anything in MY bed
that required a towel, although I reflexively kept trying to imagine
what it could be and blanking out, like a black globe's flickering.
     "So I can put it over my legs," which she pulled up and crossed.
"And not get anything on your bed," she finished.
     "Oh.  Right back," I said, and stood up, carefully not stepping on
Amy, and went to go find a towel.  I was afraid that it was going to
take me a while.

***
20:23 26 Nov

     "I got one of the old ones," I told Susan as I put it in her hand.
We had some old, ugly, almost worn out towels, sometimes with holes, at
the back of the closet in the bathroom, which I'd finally figured would
be better for this than something someone might actually want to use
after a shower or bath, as there weren't many of those remaining.
     "Yeah, perfect," she nodded.  "I need to get some of these to take
back, for exactly this."
     I gave another one to Amy, asking, "Don't you have a table or
something?  To eat on?"
     Susan grinned sardonically at me.  "Yeah, and it's always covered
with our study stuff, or her flower-  Did I tell you that Ivy is
actually doing flower arranging?"
     "Ivy your roommate?" Amy asked before I could.
     "You'd figure," Susan agreed as she arranged her plate on her lap
and put her soda in the drink holder next to my bed, "with a name like
that she'd go into motorcycle maintenance or nursing or programming or
something, ANYTHING non-horticultural, but no, she's taking like this
no-credit class on flower arranging."  She shook her head.
     "This doesn't count for like her degree, does it?" I worried.
     "No, that's why it's no-credit," Susan snapped, then shook her head
again.  "Ditz.  Not even for an elective," she added, which confused me
for a while.  "Hey, this isn't bad," she exclaimed, having taken the
opportunity to take a bite while I was still making IQ rolls to recover.
     "I made it," I sneered.
     Susan sneered back, "That's why it's amazing that it's edible."
     "You guys stop it," Amy interrupted us.  "Just eat.  Tuck, why the
hell didn't you tell me about all the stuff that happened?  I had to get
it from Susan!"
     "All which stuff?"
     "EVERYTHING!" she shrieked.
     "Because I was busy!  Which stuff-"
     "Like you being in the hospital and all that, and, like, who are
you dating now anyway?  And your parents finding out about Valerie,
and-"
     "I don't want to talk about this now!  I thought you wanted to
eat!" I tried.  I wanted to eat, at least compared to talking about my
life since she'd seen me back in 1984 or whenever it was.  I didn't
think I could remember it all without some notes, and I hadn't been
taking notes.  I tried hacking some quiche off and stuffing it in my
mouth to delay her, but I had a sick feeling that it wasn't going to
work very long.
     "You have been kind of busy," Susan mentioned, neutrally, when I
couldn't chew any more and had to swallow.
     "Fuck I'm tired of it," I sighed.
     "Eat, you're still too thin," Susan demanded.
     "Yes Mom!"  She glared at me as I stuffed my mouth and grinned at
her.
     "So what are you doing on Black Friday?" Amy asked.
     *She has to ask this when my mouth is full...*
     I chewed, which made me vulnerable to Susan again in some weird
way, but Susan answered, "I was gonna do some Christmas shopping, during
the sales, like everyone else in the world.  You wanna come?"
     I interrupted with, "Some of the girls are doing the same thing,
and I said I'd go with the morning group."
     "You said I was INSANE for getting up that early!" Susan accused
me.
     "Yeah?"  I still thought she was.  "On the other hand, it'll be
worse in the afternoon, and a bunch of the girls want to do it, and
it'll get me the hell out of HERE early."  This did not say much for my
sanity, but it was pretty eroded by now.  I could probably handle a
Hound of Tindalos or an avatar of an Elder God without too much problem,
except for the ripping me apart parts.
     "Sheesh," Susan said, and I wasn't sure if she was agreeing with me
or insulting me somehow.

***
20:41 26 Nov

     "Yeah, an-"  The phone flashed at me.  "Oh, uh."  I looked over at
Arrakis, and it seemed to be Jill calling from her house.  Jill I could
handle, I thought.  "Hold on, s'Jill," I said as I grabbed the headset
and slipped it on before grabbing the pickle and going offhook. "Hello?"
     "Val!" Jill exclaimed.  "'Sup!?"
     "Here with my sister and my cousin- You remember Amy, right?"  Amy
waved enthusiastically at me, or more likely at Jill despite this not
being a video link.
     "Oh yeah, say hi for me," Jill instructed.  "You wanna go Friday,
right?"
     "Yeah... hold on," I said, switching to Tattooine for the notes I'd
taken last night.  "Okay, what they all said was..."
     "Hey," Susan said into the phone, which made me make a noise as I
tried to figure out what the hell was happening until I saw that she'd
grabbed the wimp phone and helped herself.  "We oughta coordinate and
stuff, if me and Amy are going too."
     I opened my mouth to scream, 'Who the hell invited YOU?!' but then
had the sick realization that, in some way, I had.
     Then I wanted to cry.
     "Oh cool!" Jill enthused.
     Then my call waiting bleeped.  "Oh shit," I gasped, because I KNEW
who was calling.
     "What?" Jill asked.
     "Did your call waiting just go off?" Susan wanted to know.
     "Oh shit."  But there was no help for it, so I flicked the hook
switch.  "Hello?" I managed to get out.
     "Val!" Amanda exclaimed happily, which made Susan snigger at me.
"We were talking about the Friday sales and we thought we should call
you!"
     "Of course," I agreed, totally despondent.

***
22:06 26 Nov

     "I am going to BED," I insisted.
     "Well, we don't have to, right?" Amy asked Susan.
     "Fuck all of you," I sighed and pulled the headset off.  Amy
eagerly grabbed it, not even thanking me for my work earlier in rigging
another phone so she could join in the conversation.
     Somewhere in the house a baby went off, and I almost got up before
I remembered that it wasn't my problem.  Having me sit Alicia's brat had
been obvious to Alicia until she saw me get some duct tape.  Then it was
obvious I shouldn't be within five feet of her precious little pupa.
That was, of course, why I'd gotten the duct tape.  Though I was a bit
stunned it had actually worked.

***
22:18 26 Nov

     I came back into my room after brushing my teeth and such, and it
was apparent that there was no stopping either Amy or Susan; Amy had
somehow managed to perch herself on my chair, and Susan had moved the
phone to the floor and was taking notes on a legal pad.  I checked Amy,
and she was using her account on one of my systems.  Which was better
than, say, using my accounts, but not by much.
     I sighed, waved goodnight, and snaked my way to MY bed and threw
myself into it - realizing too late to stop myself if it had been a
problem, that Susan had moved her dirty plate to a stack of plates on
the floor - and put a pillow over my head.
     "GOOD NIGHT TUCK!" Susan yelled at me.  I put a hand up and waved
again, the put the arm back down over my head and pillow and clamped.
     *I hate holidays...*

***
07:31 27 Nov

     "Nnnnnnh."  I had to pee.  And Pam was in my way.

***
07:40 27 Nov

     Pam was still in my way, and I had to pee much worse.  Finally,
when I could no longer stand it, and the discomfort was enough to keep
me conscious enough to start plotting, I managed to wriggle around Pam
and off the bed and out.
     Brian was in the bathroom.  "Brian you FUCK," I cursed.

***
07:46 27 Nov

     I was going to wet myself if I waited much longer, so I carefully
made my way down the stairs - I was scared that impact would shake the
valve open - and to the ground floor hall bathroom, not entirely caring
if I set off all the motion detectors.  Although if the alarms went off,
I wouldn't need to use the bathroom any more; I'd need a mop.
     One of my relatives was just coming out, and it said something at
me, which I dumped to /dev/null as I grabbed the door and locked myself
in.

***
07:48 27 Nov

     Memory had slowly returned as my bladder had emptied, making me
wonder if somehow the pressure had given me a concussion or whether it
was something else.  Maybe I'd been intoxicated over the thought of no
school and no babysitting; or maybe there had been something in the
quiche.  Or maybe I was just enjoying the last moments of sanity I'd
have for quite a while, since today was Thanksgiving and tomorrow was
Black Friday in which I'd be out shopping from oh-fucking-dark-thirty to
noon or later.
     In any case, I did not want to come out.
     *And that wasn't Pam either.*  Good thing I hadn't stuck a hand in
her panties.

***
08:03 27 Nov

     Unshowered, because the hot water was all gone, I'd washed up,
changed, pissed Amy and Susan off by making noise, and gone downstairs,
to find that the kitchen was already slipping out of reality and into
the plane of Bedlam.
     "Eugene!" my mother snapped, and I cringed.  *Should've run while I
had the chance...*

***
08:32 27 Nov

     It was lucky, in a way, that I'd woken up so late, because I missed
having to fix breakfast for fifty people.  Unlucky, in a way, because I
got the cleanup duties since I hadn't cooked.  We had a dishwasher, but
they never worked to get all the ex-food off.  That is, we had a
ELECTRO-MECHANICAL dishwasher et cetera; I was actually washing dishes
at the moment.
     And Mom made me eat breakfast too, with everyone else around as
they woke up and started bitching.
     "God you look like a fag!" Derek exclaimed.
     I concentrated on eating and let other people handle Derek, because
Mom had said I was not under any circumstances allowed to kill any of my
relatives; and Dad wouldn't do it for something this small, and he
wouldn't take contract hits for what I could afford.

***
08:39 27 Nov

     I was literally trembling in rage, wishing there was SOMETHING I
could do, when I remembered that I had pharmaceuticals up in my room
that would at least allow me to remain calm.  I could always hunt the
relatives down and kill them later; in fact, the later it was, the less
likely I would be a suspect.  And the calm would help with that too;
hard to aim well when you're shaking like I was at the moment.
     "Back in a minute," I told Susan, "and DON'T let them clear my
plate."

***
08:42 27 Nov

     Susan was gone.  So was my plate.
     "Eugene!" Mom snapped at me.
     "Oh you're not going to make HIM do it," Aunt Trish complained.
     "Why aren't you eating?"
     I pointed at the table and mentioned, "Because someone took my
plate!  I can't eat what's not there!"
     "Why did you get up?"
     That was a damned good question, but Mom's face told me I'd best
not answer that.

***
09:49 27 Nov

     The kitchen had the singular virtue of keeping out all the male
relatives, most of the time anyway.  The bad part, of course, was that
most of the female relatives were in there, and getting in each others'
way, and arguing about that, and also arguing about food and techniques
and on and on and on.  The dining room was better, since it was still
food preparation (which kept the males out) but there was less arguing
(fewer females) in it.
     "You need more celery!"
     "We have enough!"
     "No, you need more.  Peel and cut some more, don't be so lazy."
     I managed to hold it the first hundred comments, but almost sliced
a finger in half.  MY finger, which would've been a tragedy, since it
wasn't me I wanted to slice.
     And the REALLY sad thing was, this was STILL better than the
kitchen.

***
12:11 27 Nov

     "I thought you'd have locked yourself downstairs by now," Susan
mentioned to me.
     "Drugs," I smirked.
     She grabbed me, fended off my counterattacks by twisting me around
and slamming me into the wall, and hissed into my ear, "Give me some or
I'll kill you."
     *Anything for the pod,* I thought, and nodded, as much as I could
nod with my face deforming against the wall.

***
12:37 27 Nov

     "OWowowowowowowshitshit-"  I belatedly remembered I wasn't supposed
to curse around my relatives.  I stuck my burned fingers in my mouth in
the hopes it would shut me up, and wriggled my way towards the sink,
before realizing I'd do better in a bathroom since there weren't eighty
people trying to use the sink in the bathroom.
     "What did you say?!" Grandma complained into my ear, but I escaped
before I heard anything else besides, "Sarah!"

***
15:21 27 Nov

     There was so much food on the various tables, I wondered how they
were going to get rid of it all.  I had a small bit of the turkey, some
of the stuffing that I HADN'T made, a couple of pieces of bruschetta,
and some of the nutty-cheesy stuff Aunt Barbara The Unfortunately
Innovative had come up with this year.  Which had caused the usual nasty
comments from everyone else; you sort of had to wonder why she kept
doing it.  I could see her point, though; this particular dish of hers
didn't trigger any sort of psychological trauma in me at all, unlike the
sweet potatoes, or the green beans, or the other stuffing, or the
turkey, or anything with eels in it, or Aunt Trish's cranberry sauce.
Or, this year, pies.  I was going to miss enjoying the pies.
     I wished I could go hide, but someone would notice me leaving and
then rat me out to the entire family, which would piss Mom off into
chasing me down and dragging me back.  I'd managed to wedge myself into
a cupboard one year and escape, but the lecture I'd gotten when I
finally came back out, after about three hours, was still something I
remembered.  Too well.
     Amy asked, "Did you burn yourself again?"
     "Huh?"
     "You flinched."
     "Oh.  Uh, no... something else."  I shook my head to try and signal
to her that I didn't want to discuss it.
     "I saw you flinch," she said as we took our plates to the front
room.  Mom and Dad had both invited 'friends' or whatever, as they
always did, just in case there had been room to actually fit everyone at
the table.  We apparently couldn't have that; which is why the kids got
banished to the front room, where the football was turned off
temporarily, while the adults got the table and chairs.  My suggestion,
long ago, of letting the football-watchers stay and watch football (and
then maybe the people that LIVED HERE could sit at the table) had been
treated like I had suggested we roast babies instead of turkeys.
     "Amy, could you just...  Leave it alone?" I managed.
     "Enjoying the holidays?" Susan asked.
     "Oh yeah, loads.  How's the, uh, 'allergy' pill I gave you
working?"
     "Almost enough," she smiled grimly.
     "Since when do you have allergies?" Amy wanted to know.
     "So when do we get up tomorrow?" Susan asked me.  "To go shopping?"
she reminded Amy.  And winked at me where Amy couldn't see it.
     "Don't you have enough clothes by now?" Brian complained.
     "Man you're a fag," Derek told Brian, as Susan showed me that it
wasn't her and Amy's fat asses that were taking up so much room on the
couch, it was their cunning and care for me that had caused them to
spread out earlier to save me a spot between them.
     Shelley hit Derek and screeched in her particularly Stella-like
way - somehow she'd retained the knack even though she was about a
decade older - and I wondered if I could sneak into the attic with my
plate, as the fuss squared once Marion noticed the inevitable result of
food spillage.  We needed canvas tarps over all the upholstered
furniture, but that had been vetoed long ago, despite - or perhaps
because of - the sanity of the idea.  I did notice Brian handed his
plate to Susan before getting a kick in before he left, which was the
smart way to do things; and when he came back with paper towels I had to
ponder just how smart he was getting.  Cleaning up someone else's mess
was just the sort of thing to immunize him in parental eyes against
accusations of battery.

***
16:46 27 Nov

     I'd eaten a lot more than I'd thought I would - which I think
happened every year, minus the ones where I was in hiding or had an
asthma attack or something - but now we were being rousted out of the
front room so's to make way for the football games again, and I was
going to have to start cleaning.  Which was one reason I shouldn't eat
too much.  Which, luckily, I'd remembered.  Unlike certain people, I
could move without moaning.

***
16:59 27 Nov

     "God..."  We didn't use paper plates or plastic forks and things
because Grandma would pitch herself into such a bitch that even Mom
couldn't compete.  I'd seen it, when Aunt Barbara's husband at the time
had suggested it, and I'd almost called 911 for an ambulance.
     Which meant that we had dirty dishes that HAD to be washed
for about a hundred and twenty full place settings plus dessert plates
and forks and spoons, PLUS the stuff used to MAKE the food...  and I'd
already washed about every pot in the house already before I ate.  Me
being a nominal cook hadn't gotten me out of it, which made me just that
bit more resentful.  Like I needed more.
     We'd tried having 'the menfolk' wash up, but Dad had gotten in a
dispute with some husband or another, I didn't remember which - I
couldn't remember which currently-present husband was attached to which
aunt, much less which ex-husband - and as a result something hadn't
gotten washed right and some of us had had a lovely post-Thanksgiving
dysentery.  After Dad caught me using the slit trench I'd dug in the
backyard - he had not been pleased - I'd managed to empty myself out
long enough to run to Mike's and lock myself in HIS bathroom.  Which did
not make me too popular, but then again nobody was angry enough to come
in and get me; they were afraid of my colon.
     The lectures about how to properly dig a slit trench, the need for
lime, and the reasons WHY not to dig primitive sanitary facilities in
our own back yard were explained much later.  With examples and field
tests, of course.  When the ground was frozen.
     "Whatcha thinkin' about?" Amy imagined she wanted to know.
     "Oh, happy memories of holidays past," I lied with a smile.
     She frowned.  "Are you hitting the brandy again?"
     *Now that's an idea.*  "Not YET...  Oh hell, it's locked up."  And
I did not have a key, and picking the lock would take me twenty minutes.
George would do it a lot faster, but he wasn't here, and people would
get suspicious if he was.  Especially if he was in front of the liquor.
Amy made an unhappy face too, though probably not at the thought of
George.
     "Amaretto and french vanilla," Susan sighed with a half-happy,
half-predatory expression on her face.
     "Did you bring any?"
     "F- no," Susan complained back at Amy, who made another unhappy
face.
     "Aw, man," I said before I could stop myself.
     "Alcohol's the LAST thing YOU need," Susan carped, "after last
weekend."
     "What happened last weekend?" Jessica, Aunt Barbara's latest and
currently the second youngest, wanted to know.  Or she thought she did.
     "I went on a date," I interjected, knowing-
     "YOU?" Marion gasped.  "With who?"
     "With WHUT?" Derek asked in a fake accent that sounded almost as
stupid as he was.
     "Good for you!" Aunt Cynthia's current husband - I think this one
was hers - said, like I needed the encouragement.
     I was going to say something, but Amy snagged my arm and pulled me
in a half-circle, away from the husband.  "Go snag some pie," Amy
suggested.  "It's really good."
     I hated pie; I'd made it.

***
18:38 27 Nov

     We were just about finished with the dishes - properly hung box
fans helped so much in drying things off I didn't know why everyone
didn't use them, at least during the holidays - and yet I was getting
kind of attracted to some of the baked sea bream.  A horrible dilemma,
since if I ate any I'd have to use some of the stuff I'd just washed.
George would've suggested I eat it right out of the baking dish it was
refrigerated in, and I'd have let him do that so I could watch him get
lectured, beaten, lectured, yelled at, lectured, and possibly beaten a
second time, and a third if he talked back.  With another lecture series
thrown on top, of course.
     I had to risk it, though; so I snagged a plate and a spoon - I
could use the spoon to eat with after I'd scooped some out of the baking
dish - and announced, "I am going to wash this myself after I'm done
with it."
     "Who gives a shit?" Susan snapped, and was immediately jumped by
Grandma who, from the sound of it, had never said such a vile thing
herself in her life.  In the ensuing hilarity, I cowardly got my serving
of bream, added some of the nutty-cheesy stuff that I still didn't know
what it was, some yams, and some green beans, and escaped.  Besides,
there was nothing I could do.
     *Except...*
     I sighed, because I had to pay her back for saving me a safer spot
on the couch earlier, so I went and got Dad, told him what was going on
and reminded him of Susan's temper - about two-thirds of Mom's - and
mentioned that bailing her out of jail after she killed Grandma would be
very uncomfortable after all the food he'd just eaten, which got him to
struggle upwards.  I would've given him a hand, but since I was carrying
a plate, and furthermore a plate without a cover, it was too perilous.

***
18:47 27 Nov

     "Maybe I could break my leg or something next year," Susan mused
quietly.  "Up at college."
     I thought about it, as she had some of her mincemeat pie, and then
realized, "Dude, they'd probably make me go get you.  And yell at me for
taking so long, and I'd have to do ALL the dishes.  You'd have to be in
traction or something."
     "Ahhhh..."  But she managed to stop herself this time.
     "Maybe intensive care," I ran on.
     "Dude, shut up," she suggested as I remembered being in intensive
care.  It was not a nice memory.

***
21:04 27 Nov

     Half the plates were dirty, I found out, when Amy and I got caught
sneaking downstairs for some pie (more pie in Amy's case) and enslaved
into washing them, AGAIN.  I almost had a screaming fit, but I'd taken
the opportunity to renew my 'allergy' pill blood level earlier, and
Susan had made me give Amy one.  It did sort of hurt to see her just
sort of crying as she scraped plates off before I soaped them, but it
was better than her having a screaming fit.  Alicia's baby brat was
already having one, somewhere in the house.
     Way too late, I realized that if I'd gotten up in time for
breakfast, and been clever with some cooking and some prestidigitation,
I could've added the tranquilizers to EVERYONE's food early in the day.
We had it in stock, and I was almost sure that Dad would've refused to
prosecute me for poisoning and misuse of Schedule II drugs once he'd
seen what it did to everyone.
     Well, I could always try at Christmas.
     "Oh god."  I'd been blocking it.
     "What?"
     "Christmas.  In a month."  Christmas was ALWAYS worse than
Thanksgiving.  For one thing, we only had about two-thirds the cousins
on Thanksgiving, since some of them went to their fathers' families.
     "You fucker," Amy sobbed, dropped the plate, and ran.
     "What did you say to her?" Ashley accused.  "MOMMMMM!  Tucker's
making Amy cry!"
     It was the drugs that slowed my instinctive reactions enough that
she escaped being stabbed repeatedly, by running out of the room looking
for an adult to tattle to.  I went back to washing dishes, with a smile
on my face as I thought about cutting her eyes out.

***
21:39 27 Nov

     "FOUR?!"
     "We have to get up early, and I for one would like a shower before
I go," Susan said, almost perfectly imitating a reasonable person.
     Before I could get out whatever I was going to say in rebuttal, Amy
asked me, "You wanna shower together again, save-"
     "Oh god that's gross!" Susan burst out.  "Don't you dare!"  Amy
just stuck her tongue out at Susan.  Susan retaliated by making gagging
noises which were a little too realistic, I think, because everything
stopped for a while, then Susan carefully swallowed, before saying,
"Besides, didn't that one girl say something about five o'clock?"
     "No!"
     "Yeah, it was Sabrina," Amy The Treacherous nodded.  "I can't
remember who's having the sale but it starts at five."
     "Maybe three thirty," Susan frowned.
     I wailed, "Noooo!" totally out of control of myself, before I
remembered I was usually getting up earlier than that.

***
21:43 27 Nov

     "Oh, yeah, and I need to add a second alarm, either for the girls
or for Mike, if they sleep over," I remembered.  "Or did..."  I didn't
remember what I'd done on poor old Gallifrey here, and I might've been
clever and set it up the righteous way, but I wasn't sure.  "Hrm..."
     "What's hard about it?"
     "Stuff it up your ass, Amy," I suggested offhandedly.  "Oh yeah."
I loved it when I'd been smart in the past.

***
03:30 28 Nov

     "Bedoop!"
     I debated caring.

***
03:31 28 Nov

     "Bedoop!"
     *Oh yeah, this was Susan's idea,* I remembered.  I cleared my
throat out, then sat up and announced, "Rise and shine, girls, it's
shopping day."  Amy kicked me, so I slapped her face lightly a few times
with one hand as I blocked her retaliatory strikes with the other.  "Up
up up up!"
     "You fucker," Amy growled.
     As I climbed over Amy - who knew what was good for her and didn't
fight me - I made sure Susan couldn't catch me from the top bunk.
"C'mon, this was your stupid fucking idea, to get up this early.  Amy,
want a shower?"
     Susan slithered out of my top bunk at that.  "Get the fuck out of
the way."
     Reflexively, I did, and she just ignored me as she went past and
out and shut the bathroom door.  "Aw shit."  Susan was now in the
bathroom, which meant she was likely to take a shower there too.
     "Do you have a coke or coffee or something?" Amy whined.
     I debated for a moment, but a Dew would do her and me good.

***
03:47 28 Nov

     "Give me that you whore," Susan demanded.
     I waved an unopened one at her.  This was sort of expensive, and
I'd have to get a replacement twelve pack ASAP, but it was worth it, as
Susan carefully snatched her Dew and then ignored me in favor of the
sugared caffeine in her hands.
     "Oh god," Amy sighed, and put hers down, and started for the
bathroom.
     "Hey, wait for me," I reminded her.
     "Do what?  Oh yeah, okay, but hurry..."
     I started to hurry but then realized I didn't have to, I just had
to keep up with her, which wasn't hard.  I made sure she didn't hit the
door frames, and made her take off her panties before she got in the
shower when it looked like she was going to forget that step.

***
04:02 28 Nov

     "Well if you don't need to do hair and makeup and stuff, go
downstairs and fix something to eat, like sandwiches or something,"
Susan instructed me loudly from underneath herself as she stood bent
over and deafened herself with a hairdryer while abusing herself with a
hairbrush.  I slid into my body armor, took the knee and elbow pads with
me - I wasn't sure if I needed them, which meant I should take them -
and left.  I could finish attaching everything somewhere else, where I
had room and quiet.

***
04:04 28 Nov

     "Ahh," I said when I discovered that some of them were up already.
     I guess the lights being on could've warned me, but then the family
was collectively too stupid to turn out lights, so they could've been on
since the night before.
     "G-good morning," I said back to the coffee-induced mumbles, but
not too loudly.  It worked; nobody woke up enough to order me to do
something.
     I was very glad I'd worn pants, too.

***
04:16 28 Nov

     "Aw shit," Susan complained as we walked out, "it's cold!"
     "Not as cold as it was yesterday," Amy mentioned.
     I ignored her in favor of mentioning, "Well if we're taking your
car, give me your spare key," while I was thinking of it.  Susan had
insisted we all go in her car, since she had a full-sized sedan for some
reason, and she claimed the trunk was bigger and that she'd prepped it
with boxes to hold presents.  "I don't want to have to keep finding you
to drop stuff off."
     "Jeezus you are such a little shit!" Susan snapped.
     "Give me one," Amy whined.
     "Or, we could take two cars," I mentioned again.
     "Shut the fuck up."
     "Have some more Dew, Suze," I suggested, after making sure I was
out of kicking range.
     She moaned, "I drank it already!"
     "Oh god, Suze, why didn't you get another one while you were
upstairs?"  She'd taken long enough.  "Let's stop someplace and get you
another one or something.  Maybe a twelve-pack," I decided, since we
were going to be out for a lot of the day, and I suspected that if we
didn't need it, the other girls would.
     "And an ATM," Susan added.
     "Oh shit," I said as I confirmed I hadn't prepared for this either.
Which meant I was sort of hosed; I could only get three hundred dollars
out in one day, and I doubted the banks were open.

***
04:19 28 Nov

     "Turkey sandwiches, it was all I had time for," I mentioned as I
started fumbling with the cooler that was wedged under my legs.  It had
been left out after cleaning, after being used for the small turkey, and
today would be warmer than I had anticipated.  And leaving sandwiches
with mayo on them in room temperature was a certain death from botulism.
"And the rest of Aunt Barbara's, uh, whatever it was."  Which was why
I'd brought a spoon.
     "How many?"
     "Uh, well, I had it out..."  I'd made a LOT of quick turkey
sandwiches, since showing up with food on the breath, or on my hands, in
front of my sister might result in injury and/or delays for fast food
and/or demands for money if I didn't have enough provisions to go
around.  Besides, one of the turkeys had already been rendered into
little gobbets before being refrigerated.
     "Gimme!" Susan and Amy both demanded, and Amy hit my shoulder from
the back seat for emphasis, or encouragement.

***
04:22 28 Nov

     "Thank you miss, have a nice day," the clerk said.  I managed to
smile as my mouth locked up, and then I just took my change and my
supplies and left.
     I was smart, though, and before I got back in Susan's car I opened
one of the twelve-packs and got out a can.  Susan grabbed it almost
before I got in, and Amy started whining until I secured things and
could hand her one.
     Then I noticed that I was crammed into my seat like the usual
Christmas trip, while there was a back seat open.  "Amy!  Take the
damned sodas, and the cooler..."

***
04:33 28 Nov

     "Oh my fucking god," I mentioned, as I discovered just how many
people were here at four-fucking-thirty in the morning today.  The
parking lot was a third full, which considering that it was still dark
was stunning.  In fact, I was mentally stunned; I didn't make my
recovery roll (bare Wits, roll per turn until you accumulate the
required number of successes, the total successes required and the
target number both set by the GM; or roll 3d6 vs IQ per second, with
plusses for Combat Reflexes depending on what the cause was) until Susan
had parked her car and both her and Amy were ejecting.
     And there was a crowd standing outside the front door.
     I checked my watch again, and it was still four-thirty.  A.M.  In
the MORNING.

***
04:36 28 Nov

     "Jeez, we thought you were never gonna get here," Sabrina said as
she rubbed her hands.
     "How lo-  Never mind."  I didn't want to know how long she'd been
here, I really didn't.  "You look nice," I said, because she did.  I'd
have thought she'd dress for urban combat, like Susan and Amy had; but
she was wearing what looked like a thick wool skirt and a very nice sort
of trench coat, plus - I congratulated myself - a knitted hat and
matching scarf.
     "Thanks," she smiled.
     "What about me, bitch?" Amanda asked, and laughed, and gave me a
hug.  She looked more like Susan and Amy.  Pam was wearing pants, and
little thin shoes that didn't look like they were warm at all, but she
had a longer coat on that I thought she'd worn before.
     And Pam gave me the longest hug of all.

***
04:40 28 Nov

     "Get a ROOM already!" Susan complained as she punched my shoulder.
     I sighed into Pam's ear and reluctantly disconnected; we'd been
having a discussion about what to get and how much money we had and who
wanted what and so on.  I hadn't been able to get the gift registry
software even to alpha level since I'd been so busy, and of course I
hadn't brought my laptop, but Pam had a fair amount stored in RAM,
probably because of long practice.  I'd printed some notes.
     "Aw SHIT!" Susan shrieked as she noticed that Amy had joined me and
Pam in a three-way.
     "Jeez, chill!" Amanda advised.
     "They do this all the time, you-  Hey, it's Jill," Sabrina
interrupted herself.  "JILL!"
     "Jill's HERE?"  This was not the sort of store I thought she'd be
willing to get up at ungodly in the morning for.
     "Is Kim coming?" someone asked.
     I snorted at the idea.  She had enough problems getting out by
seven; I doubted she'd be willing to get up two hours earlier than that,
no matter what was on sale.

***
04:48 28 Nov

     I was so so wrong.  And Kim actually looked happier than she
usually did in the dark of morning.  "Hey Kim," I said into the general
melee.

***
05:01 28 Nov

     The doors opened late, which I thought was madness with the crowd
being what it was - there were even more people here now, though a lot
of them were waiting in their cars instead of standing around out here
in the wind.  I envied them, but apparently those people hadn't let
their idiot sister drive.
     Anyway, a great many seconds AFTER five o'clock, the doors
unlocked, and people waited almost politely until the sacrificial clerk
got out of the way before they assaulted the place and almost trampled
him anyway.

***
05:22 28 Nov

     "Well if they fucking bother to even PUT size numbers on them then
why the fuck don't they STANDARDIZE the size numbers?  Why in HELL are
they all DIFFERENT?!"
     "Amen, sister," said some tall black chick I didn't know, as Amanda
shot back, "It just is!  And if you don't try it on then it WON'T fit!"
Someone else, meanwhile, bumped me sideways - this was not the first or
the tenth time someone had done that - and descended into the pit of the
dressing rooms.
     "This is fucking INSANE!"  I got bumped again and almost committed
carnage.  "These aren't even for me!"
     "Well don't fucking yell at me about it!  It's not my fucking
fault!"
     "Would you shut the hell up and go-" my sister started as she
punched me, and then stopped, which I didn't think was because I was
kicking her.  "Never fucking MIND!"  Then she kicked me back and I fell
down.
     It was stunningly dark, quiet, and uncrowded under the clothing
rack.  Then I remembered doing this as a small child; because it had
been dark, quiet, and uncrowded, and I was short enough to see that
under the clothes.  Then I remembered getting my arm nearly yanked out
of its socket, and scuttled away before Susan could do it a second time.

***
06:14 28 Nov

     I was beginning to think I might spend all morning standing here in
this line, waiting to get to the register, and thus I would avoid having
to go anywhere else.  I could walk home if necessary; it would only take
me a few hours.  Unless I was really clever, and stretched out the
return trip to about Sunday evening.  *How much homework do I have this
weekend anyway?* I wondered.  I hadn't brought my laptop, of course.
     "So what did you get?" Pam asked.
     Since she somehow managed to sound like she wasn't on the brink of
psychosis, I tried to match her.  "Um..."

***
06:23 28 Nov

     "So how was yours?" Pam finished.  She'd told me a lot about her
Thanksgiving, which I thought explained why she was here instead of at
home.  She'd had almost as many relatives to deal with as I did, and
more babies, and she hadn't tried getting the duct tape either.
     "Oh...  Well, you might notice that I'm here, instead of there?" I
pointed out.  "At..."  I checked.  "...almost six-thirty in the
morning?"
     "Well I'm here and mine wasn't too bad," she countered, smiling.
     I must've misunderstood most of what she'd said.  "Lucky you.  I'd
really rather have all of you over, than all of them over..."
Unfortunately, Mom had not gone for this argument back when I had a
half-dozen friends, so she certainly wouldn't go for it now.  Despite
the fact that none of my friends ever brought over a soon-to-be-ex
husband, to continue the fight.  That had, barely, been the worst
holiday gathering ever.  Dad had said, before the next one, that he
would paid me if I got incredibly sick, but I couldn't manage more than
a moderate case of pneumonia, which I'd already had enough times that
Mom didn't worry about it, and so we had to go anyway and then Dad said
I hadn't made my side of the contract so I didn't get paid either.
Though by that time Aunt Cynthia had separated from Uncle Foobar so he
wasn't there, so she wasn't screaming at him, and neither was Marion,
which meant Grandma and the other aunts weren't screaming at THEM, and
since I was sick I got to hide in a bathroom and got trays and so forth.
     "Don't look so sad, I'll see you next weekend, right?" Pam said, as
I realized that one of the better holidays I could remember was the one
I'd had pneumonia.

***
06:44 28 Nov

     "Of course the malls are open," Susan rebutted.
     "But it's-"
     "Everybody's open today," Amy agreed with Susan.  "Well, most of
'em; did you check?"
     "It was open last year, and the year before that, remember?"
     I just sat back in the car and tried to think of some devastating
insults so as to have them ready when she found out it wasn't.

***
07:08 28 Nov

     It was.  And the parking lot was already half full.

***
07:11 28 Nov

     I was saying, "Suze, why don-" when she did some kind of crazed
NASCAR thing and ended up in a parking space four slots away from the
mall and one aisle away from an entrance.  Also banging my head into the
side window.
     "HOOOOO!" Amy shouted, and Susan responded, and they both ejected
themselves quickly.
     When I got my brains back in my head, I got out and locked the
door, and found Jill and Pam chortling along with Amy and Susan.  I
gathered that they had seen us and blocked traffic with their bodies so
Susan could swing into the spot.  I thought they were stupid for doing a
thing like that, especially TODAY of all days, when the shoppers seemed
even more berserk than usual, but it was too late now.  And it had
worked, which irritated me almost as much as their stupidity did.
     "C'mon Tuck!" Amy called at me, and I tried to keep up with them.
Apparently the mall was broadcasting Tesla energy waves, because they
were moving a lot faster than normal.  And apparently I didn't have the
right receiver.

***
07:15 28 Nov

     "So what are you getting me?" Sabrina smirked.
     "You?"  I put a quizzical expression on.  "You're Jewish!  You
don't get any Christmas presents!"
     Sabrina opened her mouth and was about to say something when I got
rocked sideways by a pain in my right side.
     When I caught my balance, my sister was glaring at me and holding
her hand.  "What the hell are you WEARING under that?"
     "My new thermal underwear."  I tried to stop smiling and failed.
     "Wha-"
     "Did you forget about his body armor?" Sabrina asked Susan.
     "Body-"  She turned back to me with a very accusing look.  "When
did-"
     "October."
     "Oh."  Sabrina was smirking at me, so I smirked back at her.  "Why
are you wearing it here?" Susan asked instead.
     I couldn't believe she was stupid enough to ask that.  "Look AROUND
you!"
     "Sh-  He wore it at the last sleepover or two," Sabrina added.  "In
case someone got rowdy," she said, a little sharply.
     Susan ignored everything that had happened in the last ten seconds
and then remembered that I had insulted Sabrina - I could see it happen
out of the corner of my eye - but I knew she worked like that and I had
already drifted 'casually' out of range, as I told Sabrina, "I was
kidding, of course; we've already got your gift worked out.  I think
you'll like it," I hoped.
     "I'd better," she said, straight-faced.  "Or I'll sic your sister
on you again."

***
08:11 28 Nov

     "What're you going to get for Aunt Barb's husband?" Amy asked.
     "Uh, me'n'Brian're going halfsies on some maga- Sports Illustrated,
I think."  Maybe Football Weekly.  I couldn't care less, but Brian
could, and it was worth it to pay him half plus a search fee - though we
argued about the size of the fee - to figure something out. The rest of
my nuclear family thought the same way, though Mom tended to bitch like
Amy was bitching now.
     "Why don't you get him something ELSE this year?  You ALWAYS get
him something like that and it's so LAME!"
     "HE'S lame, Amy!  That's NOT my FAULT!  I mean, what am I supposed
to do, get him a football?  Season tickets?  A bigger television?"  From
what I'd heard, I don't think they made bigger television screens for
the consumer market than what he already had.

***
08:13 28 Nov

     Even explaining my screwed up family tree - though, at least it
branched - to Pam and Amanda was better than fighting with Amy, who
seemed unusually touchy today.  It was also better than trying to fight
my way into another store and spend yet more money.  I'd already dropped
half my wad.  And had IOUs outstanding for about the same.  Many of my
'friends' had commented unfavorably on me only bringing this much cash
for today.
     "Okay, but why do you keep calling them 'So-and-so's husband'
instead of 'Uncle whatever'?"
     I'd have to remember Uncle Whatever; that would make more sense to
the rest of my family than Uncle Fred Foobar.
     Pam prompted, "Val?"
     "Uh-  Oh, right.  Um, because all of them except Mom- my mom, have
been divorced at least twice, and it's hard to keep track."
     "And Grandma MacAuley got divorced too," Amy said.  "MacAuley was
her second husband."
     I added, "Apparently it runs in the family.  My mom's a mutant..."
Which suddenly seemed more plausible than it used to.
     "And then there's all these people on Grandpa Boselli's side, but
we don't get to see them much," Amy explained.  This was because Grandma
hated his guts.  Apparently long before the 'free love' of the 1960s, he
was promoting the idea.  Mom liked him, but even she had to admit that
marrying him was not a good idea if you required fidelity.  Not that that
had stopped at least three other women from marrying him.  And Ghu only
knew how many other children he'd had with other women he hadn't
married.  From a Darwinist point of view, you had to admire the man.
I'd pointed this out to Dad, when he was going over a few of the finer
points of evolution at me, and he'd explained that if he tried that Mom
would kill him and the offspring too; definite lossage.  Especially with
me being one of the potential lossages.

***


Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the
Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively,
intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection...
nuzzling its young with almost human-like compassion.  Anyway, it's dead
and we're gonna eat it.  Please give our respects to its family.
  -- Milo Bloom, Bloom County Babylon


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+ @>--,--'-----   Ellen Hayes   o===[--------      __      vicki .sig  +
                  -=[1990]=-                       \/      virus 14.1
+      http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes     PGP key: EFC9 5D55 (1996) +



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