-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- Tucky In Love -*- Copyright 2007 by Ellen Hayes. Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when used for satirical purposes. This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and possibly sex. If you are legally not allowed to read materials containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading this. I am not responsible. Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish, state, and country. All rights reserved. See the bottom for distribution rights. Tucky In Love *** 12:04 8 Nov Jennie pointed and asked, "I thought you said it was your car? Not your mom's?" "No, it's mine," I said, as I jiggled the trunk lock to get it to open, which it did, and started loading my stuff into it. "But it WAS hers? Or she borrows it?" "Huh?" "You have a baby brother or sister right?" Nicole threw in, apparently because I wasn't confused enough yet. "No? "But-" "What the hell are you talking about?" I demanded as I slammed the trunk, too pissed to worry about securing the bomb properly. "Y-" Jennie was pointing into the back seat. I looked, and the box of diapers was still there. "Oh. Damn, I need to get rid of that. No, it's really my car." "What do you have DIAPERS for then?" Nicole asked. "I babysit after school, including a one-year- well, I don't remember how old she is, actually. Around a year, fifteen months, something like that. Way too young to even think about potty training," I sighed. "Don't worry, the car is messy, not contaminated; I don't actually change her in here." As we all scrambled in, I mentioned, "By the way, I am NOT paying for your lunch, I barely have enough for ME." Which I supposed was not literally true, but it felt like it enough I could say it with conviction in my voice. *** 12:16 8 Nov For some reason I'm sure I couldn't possibly deduce, there were a lot of fast food places within easy walking distance of McAllen. After forty seconds or so of argument, I'd picked Wendy's. "You want a ride or you want to walk?" It was cold enough I could guess which one they'd choose. "Come on, it's not that bad..." "Yeah, come on," Jennie pleaded. *** 12:23 8 Nov "Thank you ma'am, it'll be right out," the clerk said, and I tried to pretend it hadn't happened. And nobody laughed. I turned around to find why not, and saw Jennie already sitting at a small table with some guy I didn't know, and Nicole sort of staring off into the distance and sort of getting ketchup for her fries. Her nails DID stand out, painted like they were. I looked down at mine, and sighed; I really shouldn't blame the clerk this time, because... well, it wasn't exactly common for girls to walk around with their nails like this, painted all different colors and things, and a guy probably never did it. *Stupid...* *** 12:24 8 Nov "JENNIE!" Nicole shrieked, which made me wince. "Sorry, but she'll never wake up and come and get her food if I don't- Yah, food?" she said to Jennie with a very obvious 'duh?' appended. "Do you mind if I talk to him?" Jennie asked as we collected trays. I shrugged; _I_ didn't want to talk to him. "Aren't you going out TONIGHT with him?" Nicole accused her. "No, go talk with him," I said, and Jennie smiled gratefully at me and ran off, ignoring Nicole's objections, which thankfully were at a lower volume and pitch this time. "I mean, look, if she stays here, he'll come over, and then she'll be doing the same thing with him except in front of me. Us." She laughed anyway at the slip. "I don't need to watch her making moo-cow eyes at him; I'm hungry." "Yah, okay," she said. Luckily the place was only half-full, though the drive-thru was rockin' hard; so we could find a table on the other side of the 'dining area' and away from those two. It was cold by the windows, though, so I didn't bother taking my coat off. Neither did Nicole. *** 12:30 8 Nov "Yah, she pounded the- well, just hit her the once, but MAN! It was like both hands! And she was holding a book, I think it was her math book..." Nicole was so overwhelmed she had to stop and take a slurp of diet Coke. "Jeez..." *Kim?* I'd never have believed it... and I hadn't heard about it either. I'd have to ask Jill the next time I saw her. "She got up after a minute, but she was gone of course, and I don't know what happened after that," Nicole finished. It took me a few passes to parse that. *** 12:33 8 Nov "It's got Leo DiCaprio in it," Nicole said, and grinned at me like this should have meaning in my life. "Oh, yeah, HIM," I sneered as if I knew something. "What?" she demanded. I blew it by chuckling, but it wasn't a big deal. "Nothing, I just wanted to see what you'd do-" "Dork!" She threw a fry at my head, which bounced off my hair as I ducked. "What?" She looked concerned. The ducking had hurt; maybe I'd made a noise. "I'm still- kinda sore, some places," I edited. It wasn't that I especially thought Nicole - or Jennie - were running some kind of agent thing on me, but I sure as hell didn't know how discreet either of them was, and it would be best if it wasn't known by anyone else that I had broken ribs. Someone might kick me there. I rubbed my elbow against the side, feeling the plate reassuringly distribute the pressure, as Nicole said, "From what?" "Oh, I had... a collapsed lung. That's why I have to take the oxygen tank around with me all the time, just in case." "Oh, really? I wondered what that was all about," she said, like she didn't actually know. It was half-true, anyway, and contained no actual lies. *** 12:44 8 Nov "Oh..." "What?!" Nicole demanded, pausing with cigarette in hand. "Nothing, I guess... just stay downwind." It wasn't my life, unless it got towards me. I wasn't sure how allergic I actually was, but I didn't like it. "I've got asthma," I sighed, disgusted because it had come back after we'd thought it gone, "and I really don't want to deal with the drugs right now." "Jeez, okay," she said like I'd delivered a sermon, turned away, and lit the cigarette. "Man it is so cold out here!" she complained. I didn't mention that if she hadn't been smoking we could've been inside or any number of places that weren't cold and windy. *** 12:51 8 Nov She'd been pretty good with it, and kept it out of our faces - Jennie had finally come out, talked with the presumed boyfriend some more, exchanged kisses which I could not watch and then come over to us while he left - and I hadn't needed to resort to an inhaler. "Just four more hours," Jennie had sighed. I looked at my watch, wondering where the time had gone. *** 14:33 8 Nov "... and Cory just stared at her from like way up like she does, an-" "Oh, wait," I interrupted accidentally. "Cory, she's like this tall?" I said, raising my hand over my head about as far as my head was over Jennie's head. I'd finally guessed who she was talking about. "Oh yeah you know her?" "I talked to her a little bit... she showed up at a, like a small party I had once. She was alright though." "Yeah so," Jennie restarted, "so she was staring at the other girl like this," and she looked sternly down her nose, which made me chuckle because Jennie could only have done that to single-digit age children and dwarfs. *** 17:02 8 Nov "Tucker? I need to speak with you a minute," Mrs. Singley told me as we were all packing up. I hoped it wasn't about the Cokes, though I thought she'd have said something long before now. The girls got out, "See ya Monday!" and "Bye!" before they escaped in haste. I couldn't blame them, really. When I got over there, Mrs. Singley said, "You're not going to be able to make up all the hours before Christmas." I sighed, and just looked down at her desk. "I don't know what else to do, I mean, I've got classes, and I work after school... I need SOME time at home because I've got chores there too and stuff..." She was nodding. "If you can actually come in here eight hours on a weekend, I can extend the time some. It's not really policy, but Mister Dobson... I mean, it's not like you were cutting class," she said, and I realized she felt a little weird talking about this. Which made me feel a little weird. "Uh, okay..." "You missed, um, twenty-one hours of lab plus the classroom time," she said. *Ow, shit!* I hadn't realized just how much it actually added up to. Or I'd blocked it out. "But, I'll be doing review sessions in the next few weeks, probably the last two weekends; you can catch the class lectures then. And I think you can make up the remaining practice hours next year." I sighed, because this was starting to look like an even more major commitment than it had been. "Yeah, okay..." When she didn't say anything else, just kept looking at me like she expected more, I added, "It's, I mean, I didn't want to spend like all my life for the next three months catching up, but I can, I guess." She nodded at me and looked like she felt better about the entire thing. I guess I did too. "Well, it's not as hard as you might think; as you noticed today, it's a little more relaxed than during the week." I nodded. "And it won't really take that long." It felt like longer, but I cleverly didn't say that. *** 17:06 8 Nov I wasn't sure if I'd gotten any better, but I had gotten eight hours of practice time in. Nails were kind of a pain, and I wondered suddenly if this class really WAS a big mistake, like maybe I should've taken something else. But I couldn't really think of anything; I was way beyond anything in computers they offered - assuming Dobson would override the ban, which I wasn't sure he would - and right at the end of math, and they didn't really have anything on electronics besides one baby class that was stuff I already knew better than the teacher. And most anything else would suck at least as much as this one did. "Damnit," I finally sighed and started my car. The day had never really cleared up or warmed up, and it was like this morning except I was tired instead of annoyed. *But at least I got eight hours done.* *** 17:18 8 Nov As I was waiting at a stoplight, I realized suddenly that I still had to go to therapy tomorrow, and I still wasn't quite sure what to wear. *Aw MAN!* I complained, disgusted. Also I was confused, or torn, or something; I could see Sabrina's point, about looking my best or at least like I made an effort, but it was a pain in the ass... but... *But but but, sound like a motorboat,* I sighed. *** 18:09 8 Nov My roast had disappeared, sacrified to appease the Mother demon... or, to put it another way, Mom had taken it and shredded it and made something better out of it, with cannelloni and wine in the sauce and other things. "How did you do this?" I asked when I had a clear mouth. "And don't talk with your mouth full," I grinned. She glared at me as she chewed. "No, seriously, do you have a recipe or something? This is really good." She stopped frowning but kept chewing. Then she frowned for a second or two and stopped chewing. "What?" She shook her head as she swallowed. "Nothing... How's the bike project going?" she asked Dad. "Oh man," Brian said, all full of enthusiasm. *** 20:00 8 Nov My voicemail had been kind of full, comparatively, as everyone told me about stuff they were doing tonight. Amy had left another couple of messages in addition to the ones I hadn't 'answered' yet except in email, but I still wasn't ready to talk to her; she was going to be relatively hysterical, and I didn't feel up to dealing with her yet. Mike was out with George and Dan and some of the freshthings, most of the girls were gone to a sleepover at Lisa's that prudence suggested I stay away from... And Thanksgiving was coming, with all THAT entailed. I felt kind of irritated that Dad thought I needed a reminder, in spite of, or in addition to, the fact that I was irritated because I HAD forgotten about it. *** 20:18 8 Nov Theoretically, I guess, I could've done homework or something, but I was just not in the mood. I'd decided to take the opportunity to actually get some sleep for once in my life - and because if I didn't do something soon I would get depressed and lonely and end up crying all night again - and so I'd drugged up pretty heavily, Benadryl and alprazolam both, in the hope that I could actually SLEEP. Plus the rest of the cocktail of the damned, though at least I didn't have to do the liquids or run the humidifier any more, or wear sensors. Since I was at my computers, waiting for the drugs to take effect, I got up and checked the portable tank's pressure. 800 psi was lower than I'd like, in a way, but I should be able to go for a while with it. Or I could fill it tomorrow. I sighed. *Haven't checked the UPS in a while...* *** 04:22 9 Nov *Well, that didn't work...* It sort of had, but I'd still woken up from a nightmare I didn't want to repeat; something about wandering around school and they'd changed the layout and I wound up in the wrong room and the wrong class and I couldn't find the door and then I got mutilated. And it was still three-something in the morning. *Stretch, homework, keyboard,* I decided. *** 04:39 9 Nov I'd closed my eyes for a bit, lying on the floor, because stretching hurt. Then I got this weird feeling... When I opened my eyes, there was this orange THING right there. "AHHHh," I commented, slightly before my realization that it was Brian's cat staring at me from close range. Which didn't make me feel any better when the pain of dodging rolled over me. "Stupid cat!" It had run off before I could beat it, too. *** 07:54 9 Nov I wanted to do breakfast instead of supper today, but I'd need to set that up the night before at the latest, since otherwise people would show up and complain and I'd have to shoot them. Maybe I could do something next week... As it was, I had to go to breakfast with Jill and Kelly, and whoever else showed up - not like that was a terrible hardship, but I still had to do it - and then go to therapy, THEN to the grocery and then home to cook for a long time. Mom had prepared a grocery list and a suggested menu, which looked okay to me, but there was a lot. I got tired just thinking about it. *Maybe just a little nap...* *** 09:13 9 Nov I woke up, again - maybe - and stared at the phone, trying to remember if someone had just called, or if I'd dreamed it. I was pretty sure the rats were false. And the bit where people were staring at me as someone lectured... I knew THAT was bogus, after I could think about it; that many people couldn't fit in my room, and I was definitely in my room. After a long time, I realized there was absolutely no hope; I was going to have to get up and check the phone log. *** 10:11 9 Nov "Hey, sorry I'm late," I said as I waved. This morning I had not been perky. I wasn't helped by seeing Kim there, at the same table as Mike, though they weren't sitting together. *Are they back together or-* "Oh lord," Mike prayed when he saw me. "What?!" I'd looked at it in the mirror - before covering it up with another layer of clothes - and I thought it did look good. I wasn't sure if I was gaining weight or not, though; it seemed a little tighter, though not so much I couldn't wear it. The girls just stared. Kim finally said, "Uh, you look nice..." Jill kept staring. "What? What's wrong with it?" Because even I was beginning to catch on that there was something wrong. "Nothing!" Jill and Kim said at the same time, as Jill glanced at Kim. "It looks nice," Kelly admitted, bobbing her head. "It's not what we're used to seeing you in," Kim explained. I looked at Mike and he reluctantly nodded. Jill was nodding too. Then he glared at me. "Where's your med-pack?" I waved it at him; I'd been carrying it like a second purse, in my hand, because, well, it looked really stupid around my waist with this dress. "You don't have your ears pierced, do you?" Kim asked. "No? And I'm not going to GET them pierced today either," I told her. "No, it's just I have a pair of earrings that'd go well with that, I think." She frowned and forked a bite of her breakfast into her mouth before looking back up at me. "Food," I said accidentally upon seeing hers, because it seemed like a good idea. Apparently this reassured Mike because he shoved some plates around to make room for me. They must've somewhat anticipated me coming because there was already a fifth chair at the table; Jill and Kelly and Mike still had to rearrange themselves though, leaving the chair between Kelly and Kim open. "You do NOT want to get eggs on that," Kim informed me, and Mike nodded. "I wasn't..." Eggs sounded terribly good, though. "How was makeup for makeup day yesterday?" Mike asked before loading his mouth. "Oh..." I had to concentrate on sitting down for a few seconds, because I didn't want to wrinkle the skirt either. Or worse. "Was okay... you know, either of two girls, Jennie or Nicole, in there?" I asked Kim and Jill. "They were kind of friend- well, they were there too, and kind of friendly yesterday," I told Mike. "I think they're sophs," Kim replied, as Jill shrugged. "The really short one is Jennie, right?" I nodded. "A little shorter than Anne-Marie," I mentioned to Jill. "Oh, man, you know what happened Friday?" Jill asked the table. "W- Oh no! Shut up!" I tried kicking her but the angles were wrong. *** 10:28 9 Nov The eggs were good but there weren't enough of them; I only had three. Well, that was probably as much as I could hold anyway. "They were talking about you, Kelly," I mentioned. "What? Like what?" "I was GETTING to that... Um, it didn't seem like they were freaked out by it, not too much," I told her. "They weren't saying nasty stuff about you or anything." I omitted the part about Jennie thinking Kelly was a guy, because we'd all made that mistake and that was something else anyway. "They all thought _I_ was gay too, but..." Everyone at the table was giving me a look. "Fuck off, okay? I'm still in the closet until I heal up," I said, which made most of them chuckle. "Oh-" "Ahh!" "-Be out, be proud!" Dan the waiter instructed from behind my shoulder. "How're those eggs hon?" "Ah, great," I panted. I seemed to be startling easy today. Maybe I was nervous about something, haha. "Going to church?" he asked, sounding like he might make a sarcastic remark out of it. "We've been trying thought control waves," Mike said, really flat but louder than usual. "Think the power was too high." Dan laughed. "Fuck you, you squint-eyed freak of nature," I told Mike, and he slapped my arm. "Girls!" Mike did something to indicate he was unhappy; I was too busy laughing my ass off to tell what it was. Laughing and hurting. *** 10:32 9 Nov "That," Mike glowered, "was RUDE." "What, are you not going to leave a tip?" "And get poisoned the next time I come in here? Don't be stupid, Tuck," Mike instructed me. "And wipe that fucking smirk off your face, it's unladylike." "BAAHAhahahaha!" Kim burst out, but Jill and Kelly were sort of giving us the fish-eye. *** 10:41 9 Nov "How can you be concerned about SUPPER when you JUST ATE?!" "'Cause I'm a growing boy!" Mike said as he slapped his chest with both hands. Which made me wince and put my arms over MY chest before I could stop myself. "So how are you doing this?" "Ummmm..." There were problems that could easily be solved with a TARDIS or a suitably modified DeLorean or similar device, which I didn't have. "I thought you go shopping before therapy, then I could take the stuff home for a 'slight fee' and unload everything," Mike mentioned. "What kind of 'slight fee' are we talking ab-" "Oh!" We looked over at Kim, who was digging in her purse. She said, "You still want me to do this? Debbie asked me to check. And she said good job on the computer thing," she added as she handed me an envelope which was not going to have nearly enough money in it to make me happy. "And she wants to know when you're going to clean her costume and give it back." *Oh shit, I forgot-* "And if you're going to the store you might want to check out the makeup; you could, I mean, with that dress you could use something a little, I dunno, like brighter?" "YOU said to go lighter?" I said as I slowly remembered it had been Amy and not Kim who'd said that. Not soon enough to stop saying it though. "Not for a look like THAT," she said scornfully like I should've known this already. "Blusher, definitely..." She reached out and traced an area on one cheek. "Like that." "Like what? What?" I asked Jill, who was looking kind of irritated or something. "Nothing..." "She does," Kim insisted, "doesn- Never mind," she said, shaking her head. *** 11:06 9 Nov "Oh, shit, Mike?" I'd just thought of something. "Can we not go to the usual stores or something?" "What, you don't feel you look pretty enough?" Cursing him hadn't stopped it; I decided to try a different tack. "Oh, Mike," I said in a exceedingly girly manner. "I thought you'd like it. I mean, you-" "Stop it." "-always said you wanted-" "STOP it." "-a more traditional-" "IF you don't shut the hell UP I am going to beat you unconscious!" he shouted. I stopped. For a second. As did most of the restaurant. "That's better," Mike nodded calmly. Jill started, though, and that set Kim off. "But would you tell me you loved me as you beat me?" I asked as I batted my eyelids at him. That finally made Kelly snort and start chuckling; the other two had already been laughing. Mike just closed his eyes, and I could read his mind for a second; luckily, that was all the mental power he had, because I didn't burst into flames nor did the earth crack open beneath my feet and swallow me. "Food shopping," I said in my normal voice. "Uh, yeah... would you bitch ho's shut up?" Mike requested. They didn't. *** 11:22 9 Nov "Yeah, but..." Mike looked around, then bellowed, "CHICK CHECK!" Kim held up three fingers at him, from where she was; they were lagging behind today. "Okay." He turned back to face me. "Yeah, but, are you gonna have time to go shop-" "What the hell was that?" "What was what? Shut up and answer the question! Are you gonna have time to do this before therapy!" "If you stop doing WEIRD shit!" I complained back at him. *What the hell is a chick check?* *** 11:29 9 Nov And I really needed to ask Mike what was up with Kim... her being there today just felt weird. Even Jill had felt it. *** 11:40 9 Nov "Do you have to make so much NOISE? Walking?" Mike complained. "It's the shoes, Mike. And they're borrowed so I can't modify them or anything." I'd thought maybe something like rubber sheets... but I wasn't sure anything other than totally rebuilding the shoe from scratch would completely cut the noise out. Heels were loud on whatever-the- floor-was. "Do you think something like a neoprene heel would be quieter?" Mike stopped and motioned me to keep going, I guess so he could watch the shoes in action. "You'd have to rebuild the shoe entirely," he said. "I KNOW that." *** 11:45 9 Nov "Fish is good." "Not at those prices it's not!" Besides, it didn't look that good. "Mike... what, I mean, what's up with you and Kim?" "We're broken up dating, and we're still friends, but I think we're happier not hanging too closely together at the moment. And she said, if you ever suggest she be mature about something again, she's gonna childishly tantrum your face into mush in a very immature and painful manner. I'm paraphrasing, you know. And summarizing," he said, in a long-suffering manner. "You owe me a LOT for that distillation, by the way." "No contract," I smirked. No contract, no payment. "You want me to beat you so hard your makeup falls off?" "I-Ow! Sorry," I said apologetically to the person whose cart I'd just run into with mine. "And watch where you're going, roundeye." I sighed, and suggested, "Blow me, Mike." Mike lost control and grinned, or smirked, at me for a moment and obviously looked me over, up and down, before firming his face back up. *** 11:52 9 Nov The makeup area was kind of interesting - filled with lots of different shades and stuff - until I noticed the PRICES. "What?" "Aghhck," I repeated for Mike, and pointed. "What, the- Jesus Buddha Mohammed," he prayed as he traced something on his chest, I guessed a warding symbol. "You gotta give this up, you can't afford this. Or do like Jill does and don't wear any." "Yeah, but..." I looked to check; maybe I'd been hallucinating. "Ow shit." I hadn't been. "Nine BUCKS? I could MAKE that..." Mike and I looked at each other. Pause. "That's probably not as good an idea as it sounds," he mentioned. "Yeah. Otherwise more people would be doing it," I nodded. "Yeah." Pause. "Right?" *** 12:02 9 Nov "Do I look okay though?" I was getting nervous about my appearance. Well, getting worse. "You look like a cheap whore, shut up already," Mike growled. The cashier dropped a can and had to scramble for it. "Heh," Mike said, grinning for half a second before putting his Chinese Inscrutability face back. he signed where she couldn't see it. "Well, I think it's better than..." I shrugged. "Hey, wait, where's Kelly?" Somehow I thought she'd be here. "Said her dad was in, she wanted to hang with him or they were going somewhere or something," Mike explained. "Is she coming tonight?" "I think she said she wasn't," he mused. "Kim isn't either, by the way. We're not that over each other yet." "Darn." "Yeah, well..." he shrugged. This was vaguely depressing, so I wanted something else to do, so I remembered that I hadn't actually checked how much was in the pay envelope for this week. There was, in fact, almost a lot. *Wha-? Oh.* DJ pay, and then the rest of the computer pay, said the timesheet. Plus I was still getting nine an hour at the Parkers' house. Minus taxes, unfortunately- "Can I have some of that?" "No! Wait, sure..." I smiled, and he backed up and took a stance like he was ready to beat me. "But not if you're gonna be THAT way about it." *** 12:26 9 Nov I'd gotten here a little early, so I went and checked my makeup in the bathroom. And it was a good thing I had, because I had no lipstick at all. *Where the hell does it GO? Maybe a latex would last longer... They couldn't be making it out of solvent, could they?* Lipstick SEEMED pretty waxy... it shouldn't be evaporating. Or subliming. *Maybe I SHOULD make my own...* No, Mike was right; that way lay madness. Besides, I doubted Debbie would appreciate the competition. I pulled back mentally and looked at my face, and I could almost see what Kim was talking about, but I wasn't sure I actually needed any... But I did need fresh lipstick, so I put that on carefully. *** 12:32 9 Nov "Oh!" I looked up - from a makeup article in one of the magazines; I was beginning to think that this was more an extended ad for multiple brands than a real article - and Sheila was standing there looking surprised. "Um, ready?" "Yeah," I sighed, and carefully got out of the chair, trying not to screw up in front of the other people that were waiting there for their turn with whoever. I had not enjoyed sitting there, in my church dress, with everyone else in their jeans, flannels, sweats, and leggings. And I had decided that adding blusher on top of my embarrassment would've been overkill, so I was sort of glad I hadn't. She stopped inside her office and I went past and she shut the door. As it clunked shut and latched, I felt rather relieved. A deep sigh made me remember to check my breathing, which was fine, and then I sat down carefully in one of the stiffer chairs, so's not to wrinkle the skirt any worse. Pause. "My friends- well, some of them, said I should dress up for the first time, like this; they made- well, they lent me a dr- this dress, and the shoes." "Well you look very nice," she said, like Kelly had this morning. Like she was getting it out of the way so she wouldn't have to talk about it any more. "So how are you doing?" I sighed. *That's it?* "Okay, I guess... School- I'm catching- well, I caught up on everything I thought, except I forgot about the cosmetology thing; you actually need like X number of hours to- of practice, like in a lab or someplace, to actually get certified. So I have to make those up. Did eight hours yesterday..." *** 12:38 9 Nov She looked over my nightmare log after I handed it to her. "That's it... I've been on, uh..." *What was the word?* "Benzodiazepines, and I- alprazolam," I remembered. "And I read they suppress REM sleep, which is why I haven't been having many. And why I'm on 'em." "Not to reduce anxiety?" "Not especially..." I said, but now I wasn't sure. "I dunno. They do that too, I know... But I don't want to lose the anxiety too much." That made her look up. "Why not?" "Keeps me alive." "How?" I sighed, and tried to think of a way to explain this to someone who apparently did not live on this plane. "Anxiety, if it's tuned right, makes you alert at times of increased danger. Revs you up in case you need it. Right?" I asked, finding a breakpoint to check her comprehension. She nodded. "Okay, so, if I'm not anxious in a situation where I OUGHT to be, then I can die. That's what happened back in October, I wasn't anxious enough. A year ago and they wouldn't have caught me like that." *Stupid...* Well, I'd paid for it. "But if you're too anxious then you can't function." "That's bullsh- excuse me. Not true." "Why do you say that?" "Because it's b-" I metaphorically bit my tongue to shut myself up and say something else. *We hold these truths to be self-evident: If it's bullshit, it's bullshit.* "It's an excuse, to not do something. I mean, just because it's unpleasant..." *** 12:52 9 Nov I was about ready to throw her through her own window, to demonstrate what an effective response was and that I knew how to deal with problems like being beaten up and tortured and things. But out of the blue, she suggested, "Well, let's stop for a minute." I was a little surprised; maybe there was flesh and animal instinct in there after all; and maybe it wanted to live. Pause. I closed my eyes and regulated my breathing; I was a bit hyped, so I started trying to flush the CO2 without making noise. Always a useful skill to practice, and even more so for me. A flicker of something made me open my eyes. She'd rattled some paper. "Oh, sorry," she said. "S'okay." I reconnected with my breathing, but kept my eyes open this time. I ought to be able to do both. She flipped back through her notes. "So, um, you go by Valerie?" "Wh- Oh, yeah," I admitted, as I remembered I was wearing a dress in here, and why. "When I'm like this, yeah." "So... You've been doing this a lot, right?" "Well, not a lot... well..." *Does every day count?* I had a feeling it should. "Yeah I guess, but most of that is babysitting." "You babysit like that?" She looked surprised. "Ye- Well, not like THIS," I told her as I swept a hand over myself. "This is way too dressy. I- a fr- a couple friends of mine said I should wear this today. 'Cause it's nice, and 'cause I lost so much weight. I'm down to a size six in tops and a four in skirts; I checked," I said. And realized I'd said some of this already. "Wow," she mildly exclaimed. "How much do you weigh?" "Um, last I checked, one-ten, but that was at the beginning of the week. Hopefully I weigh more now... the dress is tighter than it was, anyway. I think." "You hope you weigh more?" "I'm not anorexic," I told her. "And I know I lost too much weight when I was sick. Injured, whatever. It's hard for me to eat when I'm like that. And some of the drugs kind of make me nauseous. Um..." I'd lost where I'd started from. "So you babysit like that," she repeated. "Why?" "Oh, um, because she- the woman I sit for, she wanted a girl, way back." I shrugged. "I mean, I don't know, everyone freaks out over it, but it seems like Ka- a friend of mine, she works in fast food, and she has to wear a dorky uniform there. It's like the same thing, kind of. Except not as dorky." Thank Ghu. "You just do it for her?" "Well... no, but that's most of the time I do it," I said. "Because she wanted a girl sitter... I did a day with Debbie and a- babysitting a bunch of kids, that wasn't too bad, and then she wanted some more work that week... that was spring break, uh, last ye- last school year." That had been a damned long time ago. And so much had happened... I felt ten years older. "So what-" My eyes popped open and I sat up straight again. "Oh, I'm sorry," she apologized. "What?" "You looked like you were thinking hard about something." "Oh... it just seems like a long time ago." "Oh. Well, what I was going to ask, was, what do you normally wear to babysit?" "Oh, um... whatever's clean, sort of." Which was getting to be less and less; I needed to do some laundry. "De- uh, Debbie and another friend, they took me shopping at the beginning of the summer and I picked up a lot of clothes then. Girl's clothes," I clarified. "I had to pay it off out of my wages, though. Um... longer skirts, shorts sometimes, sweaters... I need to get some more, it's getting colder," I realized. "Get some more?" "Uh?" I must've said something out loud. "Yeah, more clothes for the winter. I don't really have a lot..." *** 13:08 9 Nov "No, it's like everything blew up at once. Mom was at a MALL at nine o'clock at night, f'gods'ake, she NEVER does that... I was waiting for Travis that night, we'd had a-" "Travis? He knows you..." "What?" Oh. I'd sort of been concealing this part. "Well, yah; he didn't know I was a guy for like the first six months I knew him, but he knew when we started dating." "He... what?" She looked very confused. And I was going to have to explain this, in detail, and I very much did not want to. *** 13:16 9 Nov "There's tissues over to your left, on the table," she told me. "Thanks..." I groped, half-blind, and got a few. One for wicking the moisture out of my eyes before it fucked up my makeup worse, and the rest for catching expelled snot. *** 13:21 9 Nov I hadn't really been able to achieve coherency before it was time to go, but she'd officially ended the session a little early and led me out a different way towards a bathroom and exit I could use. I was really thankful; I did NOT want to go out through the waiting room looking like this. "Oh, wait," I said as I remembered something. "Do I have to come like this next week?" "Well," she said as she stopped, "you can come however you prefer," she answered as she turned back to me. "How's that?" "Indeterminate," I sighed; I'd have liked some guidance. She smiled, like I'd been humorous, and said, "However you feel most comfortable." *I can stay home?* I said to myself, but made SURE my mouth was turned off. *** 13:26 9 Nov I breathed for a while, trying to empty my head, and when I could, I wiped off as much makeup as I dared and slipped out. I had clothes in my car, boy clothes, but I wasn't sure I could get my current dress past my parents at this point, under them, and I didn't want to get another couple of hours worth of lecture and discussion. Sheila at least was time limited. *And she let you go early,* I reminded myself. Mom would never have done that. *Wait,* I realized as I looked at the car. *Change here and THEN go home. Stupid!* There were problems doing that, but they were less than trying to slip past Mom like this, and I didn't want to go to Rachel's and lose the time. *** 13:31 9 Nov I was glad I had makeup wipes with me, but I was running out of them; I should've tried for some at the store, but... *Man, that was scary.* Mike was right; this was too expensive to keep doing... *Well...* Once I paid off some fines - and those should drop a lot since I'd paid for the groceries today in my cash - I was still making some money... It wasn't THAT bad. *Yeah, but you need new clothes, warm stuff,* I realized. That would cost too... *Didn't we do some shopping at resale shops though?* There were cheaper alternatives to retail stores, I knew that; I just didn't really know what they were, or how much difference it made, or if all they had was polyester. *Sabrina might know... or Pam... or Rachel,* I realized. *Have to talk to her tonight.* *** 14:02 9 Nov Traffic was worse than usual, for reasons I was sure were not sane, and I finally made it home to find the guys, plus Jill, sitting in the dining room and waiting for me to get home so they could badger me about food. The ONLY reason I didn't kill them all right then, was that Mom had started them on some of the cooking and peeling and things, and the groceries were put away already. *** 17:19 9 Nov "Well _I_ don't know where everyone is!" I complained back at Mom. "I was busy today, and nobody told me there'd be this mass defection thing going on." The expected crowd hadn't shown up, which meant we were way over-food-ed. I now knew what I'd be eating for most of the next week. *** 18:12 9 Nov Sabrina had finally shown up, with Julia's little, whose name I unfortunately did not remember; and Cory. They were making short jokes, which was a little irritating since I think both of them were taller than me. Cory definitely was. But whattahell, at least I wasn't going to have to clean up. And Brian had somehow managed to accumulate a coterie of HIS little weasel-litter, so there were plenty of THEM around the table stuffing themselves into torpor- *Hey,* I realized. *I can stake 'em if they actually go down, into torpor.* That wasn't a permanent solution, but it would do to get them outside where I could douse them in gasoline and then set them on fire. Jill smiled back at me as she chewed. *** 18:48 9 Nov "Hey, Tuck?" I looked up, and Mike was beckoning me away from the table. *** 18:51 9 Nov "Oh. Well... I don't know if I was overdressed or not," I told him. "She said it looked nice and everything... but... I felt really out of place in the waiting room. The rest of it... Oh gawd," I sighed, as I remembered how bad I'd felt when leaving. "Just another lovely day in therapy paradise. Don't end up in therapy, Mike; it sucks." "S'why I try to stay SANE, Tuck," he said, like he was telling me something important, or something I didn't know, or something. "And Jill wants to know if you can take her home, and that Janet chick; I've got Cory and George to get rid of." "Ooh, better put-" "Them in different sides of the car, I know. I can't figure out how to get George into the trunk, but that'd be the best way." "If she sat in the FRONT seat," I mentioned, as he nodded. The rear seat was permeable under certain conditions. *** 20:02 9 Nov "Hey, I'm taking Jill and Janet home," I told Sabrina, who was folding clothes, and Dad, who was drawing curves on a whiteboard. "Back at?" Dad asked. "Uh, nine, I think-" "See you when you get back?" Sabrina said into my ear as she hugged me. I belatedly hugged her back. Pause, which I found quite enjoyable. "Or are you ever going to leave?" she complained, which made me finally let go. "Men, pigs," she sighed, and rolled her eyes at me and smiled. *** 20:09 9 Nov Jill said, "Uh, Janet, would you mind if we- he dropped you off first?" She looked at Jill and then at me and I think her eyebrows were up as she said, "Uh, no?" as half a question and half a laugh. "It's not what you're thinking!" "Oh, I wasn't thinking anything," Janet lied, amazingly plausibly. *** 20:12 9 Nov As I shut my oxy gear in the trunk, I realized, "Oh, uh, hey-" "Why don't I get in the back seat," Jill suggested before I could, "and then Long-Legs can stretch- I mean, shove the seat back and have some room." She began stuffing herself into the back seat. "Yeah," I nodded. "'Zat okay?" Janet shrugged, but didn't argue. She did, however, look in the back seat as Jill scrambled, and asked me over the roof, "Why do you have diapers in your car?" "It's in case the radiator breaks," I lied. I was getting tired of that question, and it was easier to lie than to take the empty box- *Wait, is it empty?* I wondered suddenly. "Say WHAT?" This was gonna be hard to pull off, if I wanted to get her to believe the lie. "Oh, yeah, didn't you know that?" Jill said to Janet as we got into the car. "You can, uh, like pull some of the fibers out and use 'em to stop small leaks." The lie had just gotten a lot easier. *** 20:19 9 Nov "Why do you keep looking at me like that?" I asked as I stopped, when Janet looked over at me for like the fiftieth time. "Just, your face..." "What?" "I mean, don't take this wrong, okay? But you, I mean, under some of the streetlights you look really pretty." "I-" "You mean like a girl?" Jill asked from the back seat, sounding all innocent. "Don't get mad," Janet pleaded, as I contemplated how I could get into the back seat to hurt Jill. "I mean, it's just, I dunno what it is, but like a black and white photo? With the streetlights and stuff, and the darkness as contrast..." "What?" Now I was confused. Apparently Jill was too, because she shut up and didn't say anything or laugh as the light turned green and I took off. The car was a little noisy when accelerating, even with the windows up, though some of that was because I had the heater roaring. "You, I mean, if- it would look really good as a black and white photograph," she said. "I think." "Uh." Now I really didn't know what to say. "Oh, man, I'll mention it to Kathy," Jill enthused. "What? No! Don't!" "Why not?" Janet asked, as Jill cackled wickedly. "Because she'll DO it!" She would, too; I'd seen some of her photos, and she seemed to like taking pictures of me. "Man, she would; you know she did pictures at Homecoming right?" Jill asked one or both of us. "No?" I sure hadn't anyway. "Oh, yeah, just up here," Janet said as she pointed vaguely ahead, "the second right." "Oooookay," I agreed. "Lotta apartments here," I explained. It was one of those complexes that took up an entire city block and had lots and lots of separate buildings with twisty complicated parking in between them. *** 20:26 9 Nov "Hey, she's close to Kelly," I said as I noticed where I was driving. "What?" "Kelly lives over that way," I said. "Oh, yeah," Jill vaguely agreed. Pause. "You're being quiet," I mentioned. "Um..." I felt dread crawl into my coat. "I think we need to have one of those talks." "Oh..." And I wanted to go to bed early. Well, I always did lately. Probably because I never did; probably because of things like this. Damnit. "Well, uh..." I didn't want to go back home and do this there and then have to take her back home again. And I remembered that she wouldn't want to have it at her place; she wanted to have as little to do with it as possible. "Let me pull over someplace?" I suggested. *** 20:33 9 Nov A parking lot that was half empty, with us in the empty part, seemed like the best idea, so I pulled in and cautiously wandered that way. Dad had had a lot to say on the evils inherent in driving in parking lots, and I'd been forced to memorize most of it to quote back to him to shut him up. And now I had it stuck in my head. I pulled through a spot and into another, under a light, disengaged the transmission and yanked up the parking brake and took my foot off the brake pedal so I could shut off ALL the lights, but left the engine running because it was damned cold and the car was finally starting to get warm. A thought made me ask, "Am I gonna need oxygen for this?" She laughed, a little - in that way which did not make me feel better - and said, "I don't think so... um, but you- Yeah," she agreed as I nodded. "Okay. Um, do you really think you'd need it?" "I dunno. I just like having it around." Sort of true; I liked having it around when I was recuperating from pneumonia and major trauma and surgery and things. "So," I said, since she was trying to change the subject, "what did you want to talk about?" She sighed, and looked out the window. "Just, I mean..." *** 20:38 9 Nov "You just seem more like a girl than I'm comfortable with," she said. I looked at her, and she was pretty red in the face, as she stared at her hands as she grabbed her jacket tails. "I mean... I mean, it's not WRONG, I just..." *** 20:43 9 Nov "But, I mean," she said kind of desperately, "we can still be-" "Don't say it!" "What?" "Don't say the 'F' word," I begged, half-humorously. "Fr-" "DON'T SAY IT!" I accidentally shrieked. Pause. I knew she was looking at me like I was a lunatic. I couldn't look at her. "Just, I mean... YES, we can still be... but, just... I mean... it's like every damned breakup story I've ever heard in my life, you know? The girl doesn't want-" "That's not-" "You ARE! You said you didn't want to like have sex any more, that's like a breakup. I mean I didn't tell anyone we were dating or anything, and it's only been a few weeks-" "A WEEK, Va- Tuck," she corrected. "Or a week an' a half." "What?" I checked my watch and thought, as she explained it. "Okay, yah... I just lose track lately... everything's moving so fast..." That hurt almost as much. *** 20:45 9 Nov "So... we can still, uh, be the 'F' word?" Jill asked. "Yeah," I admitted. She reached out a hand and took one of mine. I didn't want to cry, because that was just the wrong thing to do several different ways, but I did anyway, because I sucked. *** 21:06 9 Nov I had just about stopped - Jill couldn't really hug me in the small car, though we'd tried; but she'd somehow entwined arms with me which was almost as good - when something blurted in my pants. "Ahh! Damnit," I complained as I realized it was the cellphone, and a clock check suggested who it was and why they were calling. "Dad, wants to know why I'm late..." Positive control was a pain in the ass, as I'd already known. *** 21:53 9 Nov Sabrina had already gone home when I got back; I'd mopped the floors and everything was fine and dandy there; I especially appreciated the money I wasn't going to be giving to Brian for this one. A pittance, but every dime helped. Besides, it had kept me too busy to cry. *Too girly... for Jill. The het dyke...* She'd said I kissed like a girl, and other things like a girl, notwithstanding the DICK I had, and had USED... It just hurt. Plus I missed her. *** 23:19 9 Nov Well, I felt like shit, and there wasn't any way I was going to clear my nose before I could go to sleep, so I'd wake up with dead things and flies in my mouth, and the crying had tired me out worse, like I needed that... On the other hand, the drugs seemed to be taking effect; I was actually starting to feel like sleep was a good idea. *** 03:39 10 Nov "Yo ho, another bright and lovely morning," I said, which was a lie. But the nightmare had given way to a full bladder, and I'd taken the time to practice some chemical warfare on my mouth, so I didn't feel quite as bad as I had. Except now I had to stretch. "I wish I could sleep..." *** 06:10 10 Nov I sighed, but... I think it hurt me more to lose the cuddling and suchlike. The sex was nice... but 'nice' isn't really a word one is supposed to use with a serious relationship, at least until marriage or semi-boredom set in. I'd discovered this when I went looking for breakup stuff on the Internet, in a knew-it-was-a-bad-idea-but-irresistible-anyway urge to find other people in the same position, and found myself snorting in disgust when reading about missing the sex. *That's IT? You're so LAME, it's not the sex...* I'd thought, and then sort of looked at that thought and gotten a Clue. On the other hand, the sex - and pretty much ONLY the sex - is what she wanted to stop. Which meant we might could stay friends - the F word I could not bear to actually hear, due to over-repetition in cliches and other things I'd been hearing for most of my life - and I could get what _I_ mostly wanted too. *** 06:31 10 Nov The shower was nice and wet and warm, and I basked in it; but there was something I was supposed to- *Oh, right,* I finally remembered. *Check voicemail before school.* I was going to start doing that. *Food.* I'd overcooked Sunday too, and I had to take some of that to school so I could eat it so I could get rid of it. I wondered if anyone else would like some... Stuffing it down Mike's face, and other people's, would be an easy way to get rid of it all at once, if I could manage to carry it. Come to think of it, I had to bring a cooler back to the Parkers too. And I was glad I'd thought of it now, instead of at three in the afternoon. *** 06:56 10 Nov Jill got out of Kim's car, and looked anywhere but me, which was annoying, because I had to hold it- Kim finally asked, "Va- Tuck, what the hell are you doing?" Which made Jill look at me. And she stopped, and stared, but finally laughed, which made me feel better. Also I could drop the pose, which was me holding a handkerchief - which I'd had to dig up out of my clothing drawers this morning - to my face and trying to look like a 19th century picture, like 'Grief' or 'Loss' or something. *** 06:59 10 Nov I waved to Jennie and Nicole; Jennie smiled at me and Nicole waved back. "What?" "Oh," I turned to Kim, "I have to make up all the hours I missed? On Saturdays?" "Oh that's where you were," she said. "Y- What, this weekend? Yeah... Anyway, those two were here. We talked." "Jeez, I dump your ass and you already had replacements lined up?" Jill complained. "BEFORE I did it?" "Well, duh?" I snapped back, which made her laugh. Kim was giving us the weirdest look. *** 08:02 10 Nov "I mean, I'm not thrilled about it," I told Jill, but shrugged. "But what about the F-word?" Jill asked, which made Kim choke. "Which one?" I asked, just to be annoying. I had to admit, there was a teeny bit of resentment still, and I felt sort of like torturing her psychologically. Just a little. She glared at me, then lightened some and said, "The F-R word." *F-R- Oh.* I accidentally grinned as I nodded. "Not the F-U word," she grinned back at me and Kim at the same time. "Don't know what you're missing," I said, like she was being stupid and missing something she'd really like. "Well, actually, I DO," she pointed out, and stuck her tongue out. Lacking a verbal response, I stuck my tongue back out at her, and we did lewd things at each other for a while, until Kim had a fit at us both. *** 10:43 10 Nov I pulled Mike away from Sabrina and Amanda, promising to tell them how therapy had gone later. "Mike... Jill broke up- or broke it off, or something," I said in a low voice. "What?" I beckoned him closer, and he stopped and turned around, to watch my back over my shoulder. I leaned up to his ear and said quietly, "Last night, after I took Janet home. She said I was too much like a girl for her to, to want to have sex with me." "Ohhh," Mike complained, sounding utterly disgusted. "Shit." Then he thumped my shoulder a couple times and turned to face front again, and we continued onward, catching up to the girls who had stopped and waited for us. It was nice to know that someone understood and sympathized, anyway. *** "When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks." -- Rita Rudner Distribution: No part of this work may be distributed as an original work by another person or group. Permission is given to redistribute this by electronic means, as long as the entirety of the work (from the BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE header to the END PGP SIGNATURE footer) is distributed, and credit is given to the original author, me. And no fee may be charged. Archiving is permitted provided no fee is charged for access. All rights reserved. + @>--,--'----- Ellen Hayes o===[-------- __ vicki .sig + -=[1990]=- \/ virus 13.4 + http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes PGP key: EFC9 5D55 (1996) + -----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE----- Version: 2.6.2 iQCVAwUBRnzClXYDebnvyV1VAQHzZQQAxg6agD1drqc6TjijiXR/1QQfKje8X3ue 1pUbii6Q6LIyqxw5m88UQYEb+YdruQOtw5olo9N9x5sCPhGqPq9tRgJOdR+/XHIm fkvqT8DiuVthM2P0sDQA50zbl9T5iC/CNo0JpYTGCz4d3l8jamiNpxtJOewG/+KC HbnElFkksMA= =LwqB -----END PGP SIGNATURE-----