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Tuck Another Look -*- Copyright 2007 by Ellen Hayes.

Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual
persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when
used for satirical purposes.

This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and
possibly sex.  If you are legally not allowed to read materials
containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading
this.  I am not responsible.
Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it
in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally
allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish,
state, and country.

All rights reserved.  See the bottom for distribution rights.


Tuck Another Look


***
17:42 2 Nov

     "Hey," Kathy said, and smiled at me.
     "Make sure it's the right Kathy this time!" someone yelled, and I
grimaced and wished fervently for a couple grenades to throw that
direction.
     "Fuck them," Kathy suggested grimly.
     "Hah, not on a bet," I said, and she grinned at me and took my arm
and guided me back into the kitchen.  "What, I need-"
     "Nothing, just getting you away from your asswipe friends," she
said, as I realized I needed to go back in the kitchen and resume the
cooking task.  Which I did.  "They were gonna start on me next," she
predicted, looking sour as her voice got a little pained.
     "Sorry," I sighed.  "You really did look good last night..."
     She smiled.  "Thanks... with 'huuuuge... tracts of land!'" she
quoted as she gestured.
     I laughed and almost ran off at the mouth before I remembered who I
was talking to.  Then I realized I had to warn her before it was too
late.  "Kath, I'm glad you liked the movie," I said quickly, "but DON'T
quote it around any of the guys.  They have it memorized, and one little
line will set them off for like five minutes.  I'm not kidding," I added
when she opened her mouth to say something, probably a disagreement.
"And they have it ALL memorized, plus most of the sketches from the
television show too, 'Meaning of Life', 'Life of Brian', 'Br-'  Not my
brother," I mentioned.
     "It wasn't THAT funny," she said, wrinkling her nose at me.
     "Doesn't matter, it's..."  I couldn't really think what it was, so
I finally said, "It's a geek thing.  It just is.  So don't step in it."
     "Okay," she said, sounding irritated.  Then, before I could think
of anything to change the subject to, she said, "Thanks, for the
warning."
     I nodded, as I remembered where I'd started.  "Anyway, you did
look good..."
     "Yeah, but, man, I wish I hadn't worn the same thing as that guy.
It was even the same color swimsuit!"
     I shrugged.  "I didn't think people would be coming in costume..."
Though about half had, I vaguely remembered.  "And I sure didn't know
you had THAT costume, I mean at all, not that you were gonna wear it
either."
     She shook her head.  "I know... I think it was just luck, or
something."  She did grin, though.  "I did get pictures of both of us
together...  You know, without the wig on, him I mean, I was taller
than he was?"
     You had to laugh, so I did.
     "Even with the tiara," she added, with a grin, when I stopped.

***
17:56 2 Nov

     "Naw, I thought it was pretty good," Dan said.  Then he started
sniggering, "Especially when that drag queen got you, man, I thought I
was gonna die laughing."
     George attempted to die laughing, like he was demonstrating it for
me in case I'd missed it or didn't remember.
     *I shoulda stayed in the shower...*

***
18:11 2 Nov

     I looked over at George, who was busily stuffing his face, and Dan
next to him, who was busily stuffing his face, and wondered why I hadn't
tried to poison them, somehow.  *Something paralytic,* I thought, *to
stop their tongues...*  But I'd get a chance next week, I was direly
certain.
     Brian had somehow managed to sneak in a couple of his friends too;
or the Pack-Littles were bringing boyfriends.  After another look,
though, I realized they couldn't be boyfriends, as they looked way too
young.

***
19:37 2 Nov

     "NO!" Sally Shu yelled at me from out of kicking range, almost
sounding like she meant it.  "HITTING OTHER PEOPLE IS WRONG!"
     "Damn," I said, impressed.  So impressed I forgot to hit George,
who squirmed away.  Which I think was the point.
     I turned to Mike, as everyone congratulated Sally - who was
blushing furiously - and asked, "So what happens if they just ignore
her?  Or attack her?"
     "Everyone's attention is on her while she's saying it, so everyone
will be looking over at her for the noise factor alone." Mike explained,
looking unreasonably pleased at his own tactical cleverness.  "And so if
she gets hit or something, everyone will see it.  At the same time, any
Knight in the- within hearing, moves toward her, or the sound of the
noise.  Which gives HER morale backup.  Or moral backup," he said as he
frowned.  We'd encountered a problem with some older, mostly British,
texts on warfare, that got 'moral' and 'morale' confused, or they didn't
use the latter because it was too French, or something.
     "And the radios?"
     "If she has one, and activates it when she yells something, then
it's recorded..."
     My dad, who had been congratulating Sally, was now shaking his
head at us.  "Without some kind of ID function, it's not going to be any
good... radio voices, especially when they get excited, are almost
impossible to identify."  And he knew things like that from experience.
That was probably why we'd been drilled to identify ourselves first
thing since we were old enough to talk on a radio.
     "Like a sub-freq tag or something?"
     "CTCSS, maybe; ident burst on transmit..."  He frowned.  "Some sort
of locator would be ideal, too; otherwise you don't know where they are.
Keep a recorder going, probably the principal's office..."
     "Man, his office is gonna look like yours in a few months if this
keeps up," I snickered.
     "Not my problem," Dad deadpanned, and then snickered too.
     "What, like GPS?" Mike asked.
     Dad and I both shook our heads.  "Not unless we install extra GPS
transmitters THERE, at school," Dad said.  "The signal is too weak to be
picked up easily inside a building.  Even trees'll sometimes weaken it
too much."
     "Something LIKE GPS?  You've got the math functions for it," I
mentioned.  "Local timeserver's possible."
     Dad's eyebrows went up.  "Nanoseconds?  Call that 2.0," he said,
deferring it for a later version.  "How do we do the ID thing?"
     I found myself in front of a whiteboard, oddly enough, and so I
grabbed a marker and started doodling.  "Eight bits- that's like one
sixth the school population-"
     Dad frowned, but nodded.  "Nine would be better but hard to find
hardware."
     "Encoded?"
     "Not for crypto..."  He grabbed a marker and started doodling.
"Nine's possib-"
     "If you use the right encoding and pa- expand it to sixteen bits,"
I realized, slapping my forehead.
     "Don't do that, we just got the case fixed," Dad told me as he
grabbed my wrist.
     "Wh- oh, right-"
     "Encoding, yes," he said as he let go of my wrist and went back to
the whiteboard.

***
20:12 2 Nov

     During a lapse in concentration, I realized Mike was standing there
with Sabrina and little Valerie.  And they were looking at us.  "What?"
     "Nothing," Mike said, as they all left.
     "What is C T C S S?" Sally carefully spelled out.  I turned to Dad,
because he could explain things to humans better than I could, still.

***
03:17 3 Nov

     "Oh, shit..."  I'd almost forgotten to do the thing about when I
could make up the cosmetology practice hours I'd missed.  "Well," I
remembered, "here's that ten minutes I had free."  The joke wasn't
nearly as funny now as it had been, and it hadn't been really humorous
earlier.

***
06:56 3 Nov

     "Oh, hey," I said warily, not sure if either or both of them were
going to do.
     Jill raised a hand and said something that sounded friendly, Kim
just growled at me and sucked on her coffee; but I guessed that she
wasn't in that bad a mood, or that angry with me, because she didn't
walk away towards class yet. And it was cold enough outside that I
would've been going that way myself if I didn't have to unload stuff
from my car.

***
06:59 3 Nov

     "No, the inservice is Friday," Kim growled out.  "Remember last
year, though, it was the day after Halloween?"
     I searched my memory, and then when I found the data I wished I
hadn't.  Sort of.  In some ways it wasn't that bad - say, compared to
being beaten into bloody chunks - but in some ways it was that bad.
     *Damn, it's been a long way since-*  "Oh shit."  I'd just realized
something.
     "What?  You forgot the thing about the makeup classes?" Jill
guessed.
     Kim and I both said something like, 'Jill, this IS makeup class,
except we don't do makeup until the summer', then looked at each other
and grinned a bit as Jill complained wildly.  I wondered why she'd
broken up with Mike, suddenly.
     "For all the days you missed!" Jill insisted.
     "Oh, yeah, I got that," I nodded.
     "E- Tucker," Mrs. Singley called, and I waved and dug it out of my
pack.  Jill grabbed it out of my hand and ran it over.

***
11:33 3 Nov

     "No, I wanna play, I gotta ask 'em something-"  *Wait, they're all
'cleared',* I realized.  "My therapist demanded I show up with Valerie
next session," I said to Amanda and Sabrina.  "What does she wear?"
     "Ooh," they winced.  Apparently I was right, and this wasn't a
trivial question.  "And you lost weight," Sabrina mentioned, not
smiling.
     "We'll ask," Amanda nodded at me with a smile before they split
off.
     "Got that settled?" Mike asked.
     "Uh... guess so..." I shrugged.  Then I shrugged again.  "Yeah,
they'll tell me what to do tonight, I guess..."
     Mike sighed.  "Tuck, did it EVER occur to your STUPID round-eyed
self that YOU could decide what to do?"
     "Yeah," I snapped, annoyed, "and so what the hell do I do when I
have no fucking idea?  I ask other people, right?  If I don't like what
they come up with then I won't do it."
     He grabbed my arm and stopped me, and turned me to face him.
     "Will you?"
     He meant it.
     I told him, "Yes, Mike, I will.  If it's a good idea I'll do it; if
I don't like it, I won't."  And I meant it too.
     He nodded once and let go of my arm.

***
11:36 3 Nov


     "Leech day," Mike announced for those of us without clues.  I was
starting to remember that if I had the cosmet lab, it was leech day.  It
shouldn't have been hard... but life had been hard for a while, and I
had a lot to remember.
     I did not fail my alertness roll this time, though, so I caught
Debbie coming over before she got to me.  I felt better about this
happening, I guess, but not real good.  "Yeah?"
     "Kim didn't give this to you over the weekend," she said as she
handed me an envelope.
     "Wh- oh.  Thanks," I sighed.  "A lot.  I need this."
     She nodded.  "Do you want her to keep dealing?"
     "Um..."  I was tired of deciding things.  "Leave it this- the way
it is until next weekend, and then I'll tell you next Monday if I need
to change anything okay?"
     She nodded.  "Good job on the DJ stuff," she told me.  "I liked it
a lot.  Are you open for other DJ jobs?"
     "Uh, call and ask, I guess," I admitted, and she nodded again
before turning around and walking back to the Pack.
     George sneered, "We gonna play or we gonna 'chat'?"
     I suggested that George bite my ass, which thankfully he didn't.

***
12:25 3 Nov

     "Debbie got your homework to you?" Mr. Ortega asked.
     I nodded and handed it to him.  "I hope her brain didn't explode in
here..."  He chuckled and shook his head.

***
15:01 3 Nov

     "How are you?" Ricky asked as he got into the car.
     "Um... not too bad, I guess," I said carefully.  "Why?"
     "'Cause remember," he said excitedly, "about you taking me
bowling?"
     "No?"
     "You SAID you'd-"
     "Your MOM said she might take BOTH of us," I remembered.  "_I_
didn't say I'd take you."
     "Wull what about this Friday?" he pressed.
     I sighed, and started the car moving.  "I dunno... let me think
about it."
     "Aw come on!"
     "I think I already have plans," I lied.

***
15:48 3 Nov

     'I know, I'm just the dog, but wouldn't it be easier if you just
turned up the heat outside and left me there.  I know you don't like me,
and you could just leave me out there if it was warmer-'
     "Shut UP," I suggested emphatically.  Hangover schluffed at me,
then wandered off to go attempt his depressing hypnosis on Ricky.  Or to
chew on some furniture, I didn't care which.

***
17:13 3 Nov

     I was literally just about to put my hands into some ground turkey
when the kitchen phone, 'my' phone, rang.  "Man, lucky you called now
instead of in ten seconds."  I didn't like answering the phone when I
was contaminated with something slimy and organic, and I wasn't wearing
a headset.  Nor could I manipulate this phone with an elbow.  "Hello?"
     "Tuck, Mike," Mike said.  "Jill called me and asked if A, she could
have your cellphone number, and B, could you pick her up tonight?"
     I tried to digest this.
     "What?!" I emitted when I couldn't, not both at the same time.
     "Um.  I think she wants to talk to you," he informed me.
     "Huhboy," I sighed, but things got clearer.  "Yes on the pickup, no
on the cellphone.  By the way, who gave Debbie my cell number?"
     "I think it was your mom.  I know _I_ didn't, but she didn't even
ask me.  Debbie didn't, I mean."
     "Damnit..."  Mom WOULD think it important to give my boss my cell
number, too.  Shit.  She'd never been on call like Dad had been.

***
17:44 3 Nov

     I caught Miz Parker looking at me, and it looked a little weird.
Or she did.  "What?"
     "Did you really make that thing, for Ricky?"
     "What th-  Oh, the neuralizer?  Yes!  I said I did!"  I didn't know
why she kept bringing this up.  "Why do you keep bringing this up?" I
asked when I belatedly realized that I could ask and maybe find out.  I
was a little tired of the weird looks.
     She frowned a little and did something with her hands for half a
second, like she'd been caught doing something illicit, then firmed up
and said, "I did some research into... um, what you're doing, and it
just seems..."  *What am I doing?  What the hell was I-  Oh, right, the
girl-or-boy which-is-it-anyway thing.*  That's the only thing I could
think of that would require talking around, like she'd done.  "... like
it's," she continued, "oh, such, a BOY thing to do, to-"
     "What?"
     "Building that thing for Ricky."
     "You'd better not let my mom hear you say something like that," I
warned, feeling the temporal weight of a thousand lectures whack me
across the back of my head.  "She'd lecture you until your nose bled...
and it'd probably be worse for you," I realized.
     "What?"
     "Mom's a feminist... or said she was until they got weird," I
chuckled.  Mom had said-
     "Weird?"
     "She said she liked d- uh, men too much to give my Dad up.  And she
liked the money he was bringing in, and SHE couldn't do i-"
     "Shoooooo!" Stella said, and we both laughed, which made Stella
very happy indeed.
     As Miz Parker took Stella's hands and did something to distract
her, I took a deep breath, testing my lungs - okay at the moment - and
said, "Anyway, she didn't believe in things like 'boys don't' or 'girls
can't', and she'd..."  It was too horrible to describe.  "Just HOURS and
HOURS worth, and she'd make us watch documentaries and read stuff and do
reports on it..."  I guess it wasn't too horrible to summarize, but I
didn't like doing that either.
     "Oh."  Miz Parker looked a bit shocked.
     "Yeah."  Though that had happened mostly to Susan; I'd learned to
keep my mouth shut better, from her example.  Or examples.  "She was the
one that insisted that Sus- my older sister Susan take auto shop class
when she was in high school.  Not that my dad minded... he likes
anything that makes us less reliant on him and his money.  Which he
tells us every chance he gets."  Not that he had many chances lately;
we'd all learned to avoid anything that triggered a lecture or pithy
saying, as a matter of self-defence.  "Come to think of it, she fixed
her own starter this summer when it went out, I think.  I think that's
what was wrong."
     "Oh.  So what about you, did you have to take shop or something?"
     "No, I JUST managed to scrape out of Home Ick class, by
demonstrating I could do everything they'd do, like sew and stuff.
Except Mom said that might be good enough for class," I remembered, "but
I was gonna have to learn to cook better than that, which is one reason
I ended up on Long Island for a summer."  A sudden realization
brightened my life considerably.  "Hey, Brian's about-  My little
brother," I told her.  "He's about due... I wonder if I could get rid of
him for a summer?  Heheheheh," I chortled, rubbing my hands at the
thought of not having him to spy on me and so on for an entire summer
vacation, plus or minus.  "Oh, that'd be... would you excuse me for a
moment?  I gotta call an' see," I said as I stood up and checked dinner
for a minute to make sure it hadn't regenerated and started escaping or
something.  You couldn't be too careful.

***
19:52 3 Nov

     "So why the fuck was I babbling to her about shit like why I didn't
have to take Home Ick and stuff like that?" I demanded.  This cellphone
thing was getting seriously addictive, and I hadn't even had the damned
thing a month.  I could sit in front of Blockbuster and wait for Jill,
and talk to Mike about something I didn't want anyone else to hear.
     Mike said, "I don't suppose you could call your therapist and ask
her this, could you?"
     I sighed.  "No, Mike, I don't have an appointment until this
weekend, and- that reminds me, I gotta call the girls tonight, about the
next appointment."
     "She's still uneasy- Miz Parker, around you?"
     "Yeah, I think so..."  I hated it, but it was there.  Which was the
reason I didn't want other people to know about the two identities
thing, I realized.  "Hey-"
     "So maybe you're doing it because you want to be close to her again
like you used to be," he said simply, like it was that simple.
     "Uh.  You think?"
     "My best guess... which, if you're not arguing with it, sounds like
it's true, or close enough."
     I thought about this, then cursed him and hung up.  I'd talk to him
later.  Maybe.

***
20:06 3 Nov

     Jill came out of the store, so I gently leaned over - which hurt
some, but I didn't scream - and unlocked the her-side door.  "Hey,
thanks..." she said as she tumbled in.  "I think everything's okay with
Kim now, but I wanted to talk to you a little, is that okay?"
     "I'm here, right?" I said, carefully abstaining from yelling things
that meant about the same thing.  *I mean, duh!*
     "Yah, I really appreciate it...  C'mon, let's go," she prompted,
waving her hands at me after she'd belted herself in.  "I wanna get out
of here before they find something else for me to do."

***
20:09 3 Nov

     "So how was-" we both started at the same time.
     "Mine sucked," she said, because she recovered first.  "Everybody
was complaining they couldn't find a movie they wanted..."
     "Does suck," I agreed.  That's why we made illegal copies of good
ones, and then recycled the tapes if we could buy legal copies.

***
20:12 3 Nov

     "So what did you want to talk about?" I asked.
     "Oh, just...  I mean... about this weekend, I guess," she said,
looking away.  "I mean, last weekend, whatever."
     "Oh.  Um..."
     Pause.
     I said, "I liked it."
     She laughed.  "Um, good," she got out, in between the chuckles.
     That was kind of a funny statement, I had to admit.

***
20:15 3 Nov

     "Just, I dunno..." she said.
     "Are you having second thoughts?"
     "No!  Well...  You said we weren't married, right?  You said that."
     "Uh..."  I dredged until I found that.  "Yeah."
     "That means, like..."
     "That it's not a commitment or anything like that, that it's... I
guess, casual.  I mean, I like you... and I liked the sex," I admitted.
"But it's not... I mean..."
     "Like not serious?"
     "Yeeeeeah, but that sounds bad.  Like it's just masturbating inside
you or something, which is NOT what I-"
     "No, no, I know," she agreed.  "I didn't think like that either."
     Pause, as I tried to think how to explain better, or if I needed
to.
     "So, like," she said, "if, uh, if I like find someone I'm really
hot for, or if some REALLY hunky guy asks you out," which made me feel
REALLY strange, "then... like..."
     Pause.
     "Yeah," I finally said.  "I mean, I wouldn't just throw you in a
dumpster to get rid of you if th-"
     "I'd HAVE to kick your ass," she told me, grinning.
     "Yah, you and what army, lightw-  RIBS!" I shrieked when it looked
like she might punch me in them.  "And don't hit the driver!" I reminded
her when I thought of that.

***
20:18 3 Nov

     "So, did you like get asked out by some really hunky guy or
something?" I asked.
     "No..."  I glanced over, and she looked pained and confused.  Kind
of like I felt.  Which was sort of a good sign; at least she wasn't
looking bored.  "Just, I mean...  I don't know."
     "You got kind of cold on Sunday," I mentioned.  Then I wished I
hadn't.  Sort of.
     "Yeah, I...  I just don't, I mean...  I don't really, I mean I LIKE
you as Valerie, just not THAT way, you know?"
     I was a bit confused.  "How much do I change?  I mean yeah clothes
and makeup and my hairstyle, but..."
     After a while, she shook her head - I caught that out of the corner
of my eye - and said, "I dunno.  I mean, you don't really change that
much, but...  I mean, the idea of, of having sex with you dressed like a
girl, just doesn't turn me on."
     "Okay."  I preferred skin anyway.
     "I'm not into girls."
     "Okay," I said again.
     Pause.
     Jill asked, "What about me?"
     "What?"
     "I mean, I'm not that girly," she mentioned, I guess in case I
hadn't noticed it over the last year.  "Does that, I mean... does it
bother you?"
     "Huh?  No...  Well, don't shave your head and start putting a
cucumber in your pants," I half-pleaded.

***
20:40 3 Nov

     "Why can't you just leave it in the car?" Jill asked as I half-
donned the oxygen tank harness.
     "'Cause, if it gets too cold the seals might leak," which was kind
of iffy actually, but why risk it.  "And I might need it inside."
     "Oh.  Not 'cause it gets too cold?"
     "Boyle's-"  *No, that wasn't it,* I remembered a bit late.  "Once
it comes out of the tank it expands and cools, remember?  So it expands
a hundred times and it's frackin' cold.  S'why you run it through water,
to warm it up a little."  Which chilled the water, which could be good
and could be bad...  Theoretically the water was also supposed to
humidify the oxygen, but hot water did better than I think it should
have just because of the increased humidity.

***
20:43 3 Nov

     "Oh hey...  Tuck?" Sabrina said as she stood up.  "Would you excuse
me a minute?" she told my dad with a smile before coming over to us.

***
20:46 3 Nov

     "Sunday morning, twelve-thirty," I said.  "Why?"
     "Pam had this idea..."

***
20:51 3 Nov

     "Son of a BITCH..."  It scared me somewhat to realize that I could
fit into one of Pam's church dresses, and look half decent in it.
Actually way better than half, but the important thing was I wasn't
bulging out of it anyplace.  That I shouldn't, anyway.  "Are you sure
this is hers?"
     Sabrina nodded.  "I think I've seen her wear it," she mentioned.
     "Damn..."  Unlike a lot of 'nice' stuff I'd worn, this wasn't
especially floral, being a few shades of blue in some sort of diagonal
arrangment.  Sleeves, at least, and the skirt wasn't TOO short.  "Can I
wear black shoes with this?"
     Sabrina produced matching shoes from the bag.
     "Damn..."

***
20:53 3 Nov

     Which almost fit.  Close enough I could wear them, anyway, though
my feet would end up hurting in a short while.  "Damn," I said as I
stood up and grabbed my bed to keep my balance.
     "It does look good," Sabrina judged, glaring at me.  "Turn around."
I rotated slowly, taking small steps.  "Yeah, it's good."
     "But, don't you think this is a bit much?"
     "Yeah," Jill agreed, "I mean, it's therapy, right?  Not a date or
anything."
     "Val said she was gonna be there, I mean," Sabrina looked at me,
"as a girl, for the first time...  So you wanna make a good impression,
right?"
     "Uh, yeah, I guess..." I vaguely agreed.  I wasn't sure, which is
why I'd asked.

***
02:11 4 Nov

     I just hated being alone, sometimes.  I wished I could go curl up
in my parents' bed like I used to.  Even Susan would be better than
nothing...  Brian would be slightly worse.  Maybe.
     I had to think about it.

***
06:56 4 Nov

     "Just, I like HAD to open it and study, or I'd fail, and it was
like if I failed this class I'd have to repeat the entire YEAR over, but
it was just terrifying.  I don't know why either, it just was.  You know
how you just know stuff in dreams?"  They nodded.

***
11:33 4 Nov

     "I was thinking, y-  Val ought to wear something casual, right?  To
show she's just a regular girl, not like, I dunno, not like into the
clothes or something weird," Amanda said.
     I turned on Sabrina but she'd already turned on Amanda and started
an argument.  Like I wasn't even there, which I found rather offensive
until I mentally slapped myself; it was better if we didn't connect the
me-at-school with things like what dress to wear to therapy.

***
11:47 4 Nov

     "Well, you've charmed her, you devil," Mike told me, which made me
happy, as we were finally getting someplace, "and she says she'll look
it up for you, if you'll take her out."
     "Maybe this Friday?" Kelly said, in game, and smiling at me.  For a
second before she glanced to the side, where Kim and Jill were nodding
approval at her.
     "Of course," I said, hoping we weren't planning anything for this
Friday, like getting the shit blown out of ourselves again.  Life hadn't
been good lately, and I was starting to feel like I'd been accidentally
telepathically picking Mike's head, because we didn't have any friends
LEFT except the ones I'd made in-game, and I COULD make them because I'd
gone for social skills and powers this time instead of my usual thief.
     Almost scary.
     "So you wind that up gracefully," Mike concluded, making me
grateful because I had no idea how to do that in real life, "and what do
you do next?"

***
15:07 4 Nov

     "Dad said you could take us bowling!" Ricky informed me as he got
in the car.
     "Oh god," I moaned.

***
16:13 4 Nov

     "Hello?"
     "Val!  It's Julia," Julia said.  "I heard you were going to go to
your therapist this week for the first time as Valerie?"
     "Does EVERYONE know this?!" I complained, and there was a burst of
female laughter from the phone.
     "NO!"
     "Shut up Stella," I said downwards as I momentarily elevated the
phone.

***
16:17 4 Nov

     "Not too nice," Julia said.  "I mean..."
     "I thought she ought to dress up, though, and look nice," Pam said.
     "Yeah but..."
     Amanda said, "No, really, don't-  I mean, you wouldn't dress up for
a doctor's appointment, would you?"
     "Considering how often they want to listen to my chest...  Warm
pants are a must, too-"  There was a burst of female laughter from the
phone.

***
16:20 4 Nov

     "Hey, why aren't you in rehearsal?" Amanda asked.
     While I tried to figure that one out, she added, "Julia," as Julia
answered, "'Cause I need a day off once in a while, and I took today.
We're gonna be rehearsing on Friday, damnit," she sighed.  "YOU get the
day off, an-"
     "YOU signed up for it!" Pam reminded her.
     "Kiss my over-fattened cellulite-laden ass, darling," Julia fired
back in a sweet tone.

***
16:43 4 Nov

     "YOU wouldn't make me dress up, would you?" I asked Stella.
     She shoved at the bowl, and while I was busy grabbing it she
sprayed me with lamb slime.  And laughed.
     I had a sudden visual hallucination of picking her up and throwing
her through the window, chair and all.  I enjoyed it while it lasted,
then got up, taking the bowl with me because I wasn't THAT stupid, and
went to clean off.  "It wouldn't matter if I dressed up, you'd just do
something like that and I'd have to change.  I hate you."
     Stella slapped the tray of the high chair repeatedly while
yabbering in Baby about why this made her so happy.  I didn't listen.
     'I could've told you getting another puppy was a bad idea, but I'm
just the dog, no one ever listens to me-'
     "Shut up!" I barked at Hangover.

***
17:33 4 Nov

     "Does she want me to pick her up tonight?" I asked Mike.
     "She hasn't called...  I guess not."
     "Did you give her my cellphone number?"
     "No?  You asked me not to, remember?"
     "Yeah..."  I tapped on the table, thinking-
     "Are you thinking that was a bad decision?" Mike asked.
     "Shut up."
     "So what are you going to wear for the therapy appointment?"
     "Shut up.  They're still arguing about it.  I got this nice dress
from Pam, Sabrina dropped it off-"
     "In front of your parents?!"
     "Not in FRONT of them, no...  Well," I realized, "what can they do
about it?"
     "Your-"
     "Mom," I realized.  It didn't necessarily matter if I'd come clean
about it, she could, and would, still give me shit over it.  Or worse,
she'd try and enhance me somehow...
     I snorted, and started to laugh, but managed to transmit to Mike,
"Dude, what if she went the other way, and did all the stuff to me that
she wouldn't do for Susan?!"
     "BAHAhahahaha!" we both agreed.  Susan... had been adjudged insane.
Hair cuts and color and highlighting and perms and other things I didn't
even know what they were, hair tools and chemicals at HOME in addition,
fifty different kinds of makeup of some brands that made my mom shriek
about prices when she just heard the brand names, makeOVERS, nails both
top AND bottom, skin treatments, clothing, shoes, jewelry...  She'd
wanted to spend more than the GNP of some smaller countries.  And she
had NOT taken it well when we - Mike and I, with a younger and dumber
Brian - tried to tell her that it wasn't going to make a difference and
she'd still look like THAT.
     I was wincing in memory of pain at the same time I was chuckling
down.  "I think your dad would lock you in the basement somewhere," Mike
gurgled.
     "Or he'd knock Mom unconscious..."
     "Well, what else would you expect him to do, if space aliens did
a total brain reversal on her?"
     We both agreed this was funny too.
     "What is so funny?" Miz Parker asked me, a little loud.

***
18:53 4 Nov

     "Aw, Beth, come on... bowling's fun," Mr. Parker said to Miz
Parker, who looked dubious.
     "Yeah, Mom, come on!  I was talking to Seth and Todd at school and
they said it was cool!"  He looked over at me, while I was playing with
pieces of salad and the onions I was sauteeing.  "You can do it this
Friday, right?"
     "Uh, no," I lied instinctively, then started thinking very fast.
Then I stopped because the onions had spattered and I had to go run cold
water on my hand for a while.  When that was done, I started chopping up
the bell peppers for the salad, since I'd alread cored them.  But I did
respawn the 'make a good excuse' task.
     "So WHY NOT?" Ricky demanded, like he'd asked me several times
already.
     "I've already have something going on, with J- the girl I've been
picking up from work?  We were gonna do something, she was gonna get off
work a- early," I corrected as I realized I did not want to tie the lie
to a specific time, in case the evil pro-me-bowling Parkers could work
around it.  The time, I mean.
     "Aw MAN!" Ricky complained, sounding half angry and half hurt.
     "Ricky, I already said I'd go with her that night," I protested,
and felt more guilty than I really needed to about the lie.

***
21:07 4 Nov

     "Well, do you want me to take it all BACK?" Sabrina demanded.
     "No, not yet...  I mean, do any of you agree on what I should-"
     "That!" she emphasized and pointed at the bag.  "It's NICE!"
     "But do I- I mean, how nice do I want to look?"
     "Do you want to make a good impression?" she 'asked'.  "Then you
need to dress nice, look nice... look like you give a shit!"
     "Okay okay!"
     She huffed at me and turned away, but at least she wasn't yelling
any more.
     "It's just," I said cautiously, "that a lot of other girls think I
should go more casual."
     "How many of THEM have gone to therapy?" she asked.
     "Uh...  I have no idea," I admitted.
     "Look, I'm not saying you should go like this all the time or
anything like that," she explained in a calmer voice.  "Just, this is
your first time, and like for a job interview or a wedding or something,
you want to look good.  And feminine, I think."
     "Huh?"
     "You said this was the first time you were going AS Valerie,
right?" she confirmed.
     "Well, yeah..."
     "So you want to look like a, I mean, like you have a clue.  Right?"
     "Yeah I guess..."  I wasn't sure.

***
21:48 4 Nov

     "But isn't it kind of like presenting a false front to her?" Mike
asked.
     "I dunno, I mean, how much difference would nice clothes make?"
     Pause.  I developed the sneaking suspicion he thought I was being
stupid.
     He finally said, "Well, Tuck, I ask myself that every time I see
you with your face painted up and all that stuff in your hair and-"
     "Okayokayokay, it was a stupid question."
     "Exceedingly," he rubbed it in.  "So, why show up with a false
face, like in disguise, as it were?"
     "Sabrina said it was like a job interview, that I should look nice
for the first time at least."
     Mike barked and snorted into his phone, which hurt.  "Sorry.  Um,
yeah, but this isn't your first time showing up there, is it?  How long
have you been going to her?"
     "Oh, uh... six months?" I guessed.
     "Something like that," he agreed.  "And did you dress up the first
time you went?"
     "No..."
     "Did you think you should have?"
     "_I_ don't know!" I complained.
     "I say no," Mike said.  "It's therapy, which is more like a workout
than a job interview.  Right?"
     "Yeah..."
     "Hey, why not go in your babysitting stuff?  Some outfit like
that."
     "Well..."
     "You could," he said at the same time I said, "I could."
     "'Get out of my miiiinnd!'" he quoted from a bad version of Dune.

***
01:53 5 Nov

     "Fuck, did I get new pills?"  I hoped so, although they should've
shown up outside my bedroom door if I had.  Maybe someone had just
forgotten.

***
02:08 5 Nov

     Or Brian had taken them to sell at school.  I couldn't find them
upstairs, and I didn't want to turn off the downstairs sensors, because
Questions Would Be Asked about what I was doing up at this hour.
     "Damnit!" I cursed, but quietly.

***
02:16 5 Nov

     "Wait, I was gonna stretch..."  This did not make me feel better; I
had to do it, but I knew I wasn't going to like it.

***
06:09 5 Nov

     "Damnit, I hate school..." I said as I saved the MIDI file off the
synthesizer and shut things down for the time being.  Though I was
already pushing my schedule.

***
06:55 5 Nov

     "Damnit I hate school..."  It was better to have the oxygen and
everything else right there, on the chance I'd need it - and I did feel
better about having it - but it was heavy and a serious pain in the ass.

***
09:51 5 Nov

     When Kim took off, I waited until she was well out of hearing
range, then asked Jill, "Did you want to go out or something Friday?"
     "Huh?  Like what?" she asked.
     "I dunno...  Anything?"
     "Anyth-"  She was looking suspicious.
     I explained, "Ricky wants me to take him out bowling," with an
irrepressible sigh.  "I told him that I might have something to do so
I'd have to check.  So, save me from an eight year old?"
     She laughed.  "Um, I dunno...  Bowling?  Why?"
     "_I_ don't know!  I think it's because he's never done it before."
     She mused, "That could be-"
     "No, Jill, the point is, if I'm going out with you I can't go
bowling with him.  See?"
     "I dunno..."
     "Don't tell me you like the idea of bowling with a third grader and
his parents?" I pleaded, all too aware she wasn't looking properly
grossed out at the idea.
     "I've had worse dates."
     "That's not the point, Jill!  If I wanted a worst date I'd find
one!"  She laughed.

***
10:44 5 Nov

     "Ricky wants me to go bowling with him Friday night," I told Mike.
"I need some kind of social excuse to get out of it."
     "Bowling?" Sabrina asked, sounding disbelieving.  "WHY?
     "CAN you bowl, with your ribs?" Mike asked.
     "I dun-  Damnit, I'm trying to get out of it with a valid excuse!"
I remembered a bit belatedly.

***
11:37 5 Nov

     "Tuck?" Jill said, in a hurry before Mike started.  "Yeah, Friday's
okay...  Hey, uh, were you like serious about that gun thing?"
     "What gun thing?"
     "About letting- taking me shooting some time?"
     "Uh, yeah, I gu-  Hey, we could do that Friday."  Since we weren't
going to be in school and all.  I'd forgotten that part.  She nodded,
like she'd been waiting for me to get the clue she had already.  "Um,
that's best done in daylight, though.  Wanna do it in the morning? 'Bout
ten, I think?" I suggested.
     "I-  Lemme call you tonight or something, okay?"
     "Show ting."
     "What?"
     I shook my head, then noticed Mike reaching for the play bell, and
pointed, but Mike rang it before she could turn her head.  "AND," he
started, "two real days ago, which is game present time, you were stuck
on a rooftop..."
     I had homework I could start on, so I did.  This was bloodsucker
business, not mine.

***
15:05 5 Nov

     "Yah, I do have something with her Friday.  We were going to go
clothes shopping after work," I told Ricky.  I'd spent the driving time
thinking of things he wouldn't like.  "Maybe get a makeover," I added,
even though it was overkill, because sometimes you need to nuke 'em from
orbit to be sure.
     "Man!" Ricky complained.

***
17:20 5 Nov

     "Yo!"
     "Mike, it's Valer-ie," I stuttered when I realized what I was
saying, or who I was saying it to, or something.
     "Y-  Oh, YOU," he sneered.
     "Yah," I agreed, relieved he wasn't going to make a big deal out of
that.  "Um, remember that Ricky wanted to go bowling really bad?"
     "Ye-  I'm not going," he stated, in case I was under the
misapprehension that he would.
     "No," I sighed.  "I am, next Friday night.  He pathetic'd me into
it."
     "Oh, TUCK..."  He sounded so disgusted with me, and I couldn't
blame him; I felt the same way.

***
20:11 5 Nov

     Mom glared, and asked, "So why didn't you get 'em when you came
home last night?"
     "Because I didn't think of it," I sighed.  I didn't know why I had
to be interrogated about this; it wasn't like I'd had more fun leaving
the drugs down here instead of taking them upstairs and taking them.

***
21:04 5 Nov

     "Can... can you just sit with me, a little bit?" I asked, and
Sabrina looked a just a tad suspicious.  "I just...  It's been a really
hard week..."  They all seemed like hard weeks lately, even the ones
where I wasn't in a hospital.
     "I-  Uh, sure, Val," she agreed, sounding a lot softer.
     We sat on my bed, and she put an arm around me.  I snuggled up
closer to her, which I think made her uncomfortable for a while until
she realized I wasn't going to do anything else; then she squeezed me a
little and kissed me on the cheek.

***
21:16 5 Nov

     "Better?" she asked.
     I nodded.  She did have to get home soon, and I felt good enough to
maybe endure the next twelve hours or so.

***
21:20 5 Nov

     Email about Jill and shooting off to Dad, I could wash up and go to
bed, which seemed like a really good idea.

***
02:09 6 Nov

     Stretching HURT, but the more I did it, the more flexible I'd be.
Which would help when these fucking ribs FINALLY healed and I could
resume something like a normal life.  Which I was beginning to think
would be in three or four YEARS.  *Should've had 'em install spring
steel replacements,* I realized.  *Damnit.*  Not that anyone had asked.

***
08:20 6 Nov

     I couldn't quite say whether it was good or not that we had a paper
due today in English, rather than at the end of a three-day weekend.
Ghu knew, the way things had gone lately, I had to be less tired now
than I'd be Sunday night...
     On the other hand, I really wished I'd remembered this earlier,
because printing it was going to be a bitch.  And Mr. Alderson still
didn't take electronic submissions, for some stupid reason.

***
08:44 6 Nov

     "Actually I just need to print this out before third period," I
told Mr. Dobson.  He seemed to relax at that.  "An-"
     "Then why did you come HERE?" he demanded as he tensed up again.
     "'Cause if I get caught in the computer room bad things happen.
Remember?  Oh, and 'cause Mister Alderson doesn't take papers
electronically."  I shrugged, but what could you do; drag the entirety
of the faculty into the 20th century?  Some of them, it was suggested,
had been around possibly as long as the dinosaurs... and we were pretty
sure there was some connection between them and the C-T extinction
event.  And they sure seemed resentful of us mammals, even though they
looked like mammals themselves.  Now.
     In any case, it was a lot easier saying I had to talk to the
principal than anything else; I wouldn't have gotten out of study hall
otherwise.

***
11:44 6 Nov

     I caught Debbie coming my way, and sighed - *Twice in one week!
Fuck!* - but didn't do anything unsocial, I just caught Mike's attention
as he was talking and pointed at Debbie.  He nodded, and went on, which
meant I shouldn't be penalized.  Not in game terms anyway.
     "Do you still do computer repair?" she asked me.
     "Uhhh...  How soon?  How quick, I mean.  Well, too."
     "Tomorrow?  And I need to know if you can tell when a file was last
changed or something like that."
     "I-  Is this your computer?" I asked, getting suspicious.  Well,
more.
     "No, someone needs a paper, due today, and, the computer stopped
working suddenly last night, and it won't turn on any more.  A
certification from you about the date and time would, I mean the
teacher'd take it as like evidence."
     "Huh."  I thought.  "When?  Monday okay?"  She nodded.  I thought
about asking what was wrong, but asking Debbie, or anyone, diagnostic
questions about something that had happened to a third party was worse
than useless.  "Okay.  Fifty up front, that's two hours of work; any
parts come out of that, and if the bill's not paid in full they don't
get the computer back until they do.  Non-negotiable," I said as firmly
as I could, in the hopes that Debbie wouldn't want to negotiate this
part.
     "I'll back it," she said.
     "Finan-"  She was nodding.  "Jeez," I accidentally said out loud.
But I knew Debbie would be good for the money.  "Okay, your contract.
And I NEED to know what the filename is.  'I dunno' isn't good enough."
     "And if it's less than two hours you refund the difference, right?"
     "Yeah..."  Though this sounded suspiciously like a problem that
would not be solved in ten minutes.  "Not likely though."
     "I'll bring the computer by your house," she told me as she dug
into her purse.  "S'zat okay?"
     "Sure."  No point in bringing it to the Parkers' anyway; I couldn't
do any hardware stuff there.  She handed me fifty dollars, which made me
sigh a bit.  I had more than enough to do already, I thought.
Unfortunately, I had less than enough money to do it with.
     *Damnit!*
     "So, Tuck," Mike said as Debbie walked off, "now that she's pulled
off half her clothes, what d-"
     "WHAT?!"

***
15:53 6 Nov

     I didn't have an English paper due Monday, but I had plenty of
everything else to do.  Damnit.
     I just couldn't start, though; my whole body hurt, it seemed, and
the world was cold and grim and sharp-edged.

***
15:59 6 Nov

     "Is this a girl thing?" Ricky asked me suspiciously, but he didn't
move away from my back.  The pressure of his back against mine felt
startlingly nice, though I'd made him take his shoes off so he could
press against the arm of the couch.
     "Uh, no, I don't think so," I said.  "I'd do it with my dad, if he
was here."
     "But YOU'RE a girl," he said like I'd skipped the obvious.
     Which I had, I guess.  "Oh, yeah..."  I sighed, and my eyes closed.
"Ricky, if you don't want to, that's fine; I c-"
     "No, I just...  I don't want to get all girly," he said, sounding a
lot more disgusted about it than if it was a theoretical possibility.
     "Has someone been torturing you about that at school?" I asked,
unwisely.
     He didn't answer for a long time.
     Finally I said, "You don't have to tell me about it if you don't
want to.  You really really don't."  I'd hated being held until I
confessed whatever it was, and it didn't necessarily take chains and
cuffs to hold you, when you were a kid.
     Pause, while I soaked up infrared and orgone waves from him.
     "Do you feel better?" he asked.
     "Yeah, a little.  Thanks," I added after too long.  Even Stella was
behaving.  I couldn't identify the thumping noise for a while, but then
finally figured out it was Hangover's tail thudding into a cushion, I
guess as Ricky scratched him.  Ricky had, on orders, gotten a previously
dirty towel to put under the quadrapedal drool gland - I had the other
one in the baby sling - so he wouldn't get hair on the Parkers' sofa.

***
16:18 6 Nov

     "Why is your mom home?"
     "I dunno!" he said, like he was just as irritated about it as I
was.  Well, not that irritated, but confused.
     He didn't get up, though; he just called to her when she got into
the house.
     "What are you doing?" she asked when she saw us.  Stella moaned and
started trying to escape.
     "Valerie got all cold and lonely," Ricky said before I could think
of anything.  "So she said to sit here and I could make her feel
better."  I hadn't said 'lonely', I remembered; I'd said, 'Life just
sucks.'  "Ahh!" I said when Stella kicked too close to the broken ribs.
     "Oh," Miz Parker said.  Then she said, "I could take Stella if you
want."
     "Um, I think she'd like that," I agreed, and got her untangled and
held her up, which hurt more than I'd anticipated.
     Miz Parker took her away, which made it stop hurting, which felt
better than I'd anticipated.
     "Have you been a bad girl today?" Miz Parker crooned to Stella, as
I just breathed for a while.
     "Nnno!" Stella shrieked with glee.
     "Not really," I confirmed.
     "No!"
     "I'm still having some probl-"
     "No!  Abaaanagamabo-fee."
     "What she said," I agreed.  Ricky chortled.
     "Do you want-  You don't have to cook tonight," Miz Parker
suggested.
     It sounded nice until I realized what it would cost to pizza
everyone.  "Oh, no, I can cook...  I'm s'posed to."  I checked my watch.
"It's still early, th-  Hey, how come you're home so early?"
     "Oh, I...  I dunno," she said, in such a way that I thought there
was something but I didn't know what it was.
     I thought about trying to find out, but I couldn't muster up the
energy.

***
17:03 6 Nov

     "Valerie," Miz Parker said, and I looked over.  "You need to keep
your legs together when you're sitting," she said.
     "Huh?  Oh."  I touched my knees to each other, and she nodded and
smiled at me.  "Thanks," I smiled back.

***
19:49 6 Nov

     "I dunno," I told Rachel.  "I'm just lonely or something..."
     She hugged me a little tighter, which hurt a bit.  "Me too,
sometimes," she whispered into my ear.

***
20:38 6 Nov

     "What the hell is-  Oh, right."  This must be the computer Debbie
wanted me to fix, and had paid me for already, which meant I had to fix
it.  Damnit.
     I sighed, opened my door, then gingerly picked the box up and
carried it in and placed it on the Altar of the Electron God.

***
21:18 6 Nov

     Sabrina kissed me as she got up.  "See ya tom- no, Monday I guess.
Cool huh?"
     "Oh yeah," I lied and smiled, and got up to see her out.

***
22:38 6 Nov

     I had to admit, I wasn't feeling that bad; else I'd have been
banging my head into something to eliminate all thought.  Instead I'd
just been crying quietly, dripping tears and snot uncontrollably, for an
hour.
     I didn't really feel any better, just more tired and drained, like
I'd leaked everything off the top for a while.  So I took three of the
new pills, intending to fall into a coma for a while and regenerate, if
I could.

***


"The time has come.
You can stand or you can run.
Don't keep it all inside
'Cause you gotta understand
that there ain't no second chance.
No one gets out of here alive.
Only the strong survive."  -- "Only The Strong Survive" Bryan Adams


Distribution:
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person or group.
Permission is given to redistribute this by electronic means, as long as
the entirety of the work (from the BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE header to
the END PGP SIGNATURE footer) is distributed, and credit is given to the
original author, me.  And no fee may be charged.
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+ @>--,--'-----   Ellen Hayes   o===[--------      __      vicki .sig  +
                  -=[1990]=-                       \/      virus 13.4
+      http://www.barkingduck.net/ehayes     PGP key: EFC9 5D55 (1996) +




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