-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- Tucks To Be Me -*- Copyright 2006 by Ellen Hayes. Any resemblance between the writings in this work, and any actual persons or places, living or dead, are purely coincidental, except when used for satirical purposes. This work contains adult situations, adult language, adult concepts, and possibly sex. If you are legally not allowed to read materials containing such things, then you will be breaking the law by reading this. I am not responsible. Continuing to read this document, or storing it or reproducing it in any format means that you explicitly affirm that you are legally allowed to possess and read such materials in your city, county/parish, state, and country. All rights reserved. See the bottom for distribution rights. Tucks To Be Me *** 20:26 23 Oct I was not feeling well when Mike brought me to my house. *** 20:30 23 Oct "Hggggh!" I said into the sink as nothing came up. "Outoutoutout!" Mike insisted as he started slapping my back, and that shook something loose. *** 20:37 23 Oct "So how long does it take for this stuff to have an effect?" Mike asked, looking at a pill bottle. I wanted to be severely unconscious at the moment, and he wasn't letting me. *** 20:58 23 Oct Mike intercepted Sabrina and whoever else was with her tonight, and was talking to them outside my door. Thankfully, he'd shut it. I managed to disconnect, get out of bed, crawl over there, and wedge it shut, and then I crawled back to my bed. It was too hard to get into it, though, so I just sat there on the floor and reconnected myself to the requisite sensors. Then all I could do was hurt. *** 21:49 23 Oct "Fucker," I snarled, and kicked the damned teddy bear into the closet. "I fucking HATE YOU!" I hissed, though I wanted to scream it. "I hate you you ASSHOLE!" *** 00:02 24 Oct The beeping finally penetrated my consciousness, so I stopped rocking and everything - which was very hard - and hauled myself up on the bed to take some meds. No matter what, no matter how bad I felt, it would be worse with an asthma attack. Except this one would be an assault. *** 04:00 24 Oct "Uh?" "Bee-bee-beep!" "Wh?" "Bee-bee-beep!" *Drugs,* I remembered. I wondered what I was doing on the floor, and why I'd been sleeping with my head leaning against the bedframe, but then I started to cough and I had other things to worry about. "Bee-bee-beep!" *I'm going to kill you,* I thought at it, through the pain. *** 06:16 24 Oct *Press magazine catch and remove magazine. Pull slide to rear and inspect chamber to confirm weapon is clear. Press down on slide stop and allow slide to move forward. Safety on. Press down on recoil spring plug and turn barrel bushing one quarter turn clockwise. Allow recoil spring to expand slowly. Turn recoil spring plug counter- clockwise and remove from recoil spring. Safety off. Push slide to rear until disassembly notch is aligned with rear projection on slide stop...* Papists had rosaries, I had TM 9-1005-221-12P. *** 07:04 24 Oct "Hey," Brian said, "aren't you fixing you any?" "No." I went back to cooking. "Tuck? Are you-" "No. I'm not. Leave me alone." I made sure I was turned away from him, so he couldn't see. "Eat your food." "Armored this morning?" "Huh?" I wiped my eyes clear, but didn't turn around. "You're wearing the armor?" he asked, which made sense, unlike the other thing. "Yeah." "Dad used me as a dummy to make it. How's it working?" he asked before I could go from defensive to offensive. Now I was just a bit confused. "Oh. Uh, it's working okay, I think... Kinda heavy." "Yeah, with that rib plate there," he agreed. "How's it move? I mean, how can- How well can you move in it?" *** 08:03 24 Oct God, how I hated taking drugs all the time. *** 08:23 24 Oct "You be good, Eugene," Mom said, and hugged me. I almost cried when she did, but I managed to hold it in. Long enough for her to go back to change into her work clothes, anyway, and then I could hide. *** 13:14 24 Oct "Fuck, I gotta pull myself together," I said, wiping my face. I had to be at work shortly. I also had to take a lot of drugs with me; it was safer carrying them on my body, or nearly, at all times. No matter how depressed and apathetic I felt, I had to pack them and carry them. Which was one of the reasons I hated my life. Though I had to admit this reason was pretty minor. But I had plenty of others. *** 13:56 24 Oct It was a lot colder than I'd anticipated outside, and raining. I debated going back in for a jacket or something, then decided it didn't matter. *** 14:20 24 Oct "Better wear something, though," I realized. "Don't want Ricky to get upset." At least the car would be warm for him and Stella when I picked them up. *** 14:46 24 Oct I realized, as I was waiting for a light to change, that I'd never brought my car home last night; but it had been there when I went out this afternoon. "Wonder who Mike got?" I asked, though I didn't really care at that point. *** 15:09 24 Oct "School's out!" Ricky shrieked, setting Stella off. "Yep," I agreed. "Are you okay?" "Ricky," I said tiredly, "I'm recovering from surgery-" "I mean besides that," he demanded. "You don't..." "I'm fine," I told him. *** 15:35 24 Oct Ricky ran off to the house the instant I shut the engine off, leaving me with a screaming Stella to lug through the rain. *I should just quit. I can't handle this.* *** 15:39 24 Oct It wasn't until I got to the door that I remembered that Ricky didn't have a key; but apparently he did, because the door was unlocked and he was nowhere in sight as I came up to the front door. *Wonder when they- Oh.* Either when Kim was watching them, or after Monday. *** 15:42 24 Oct The phone - 'my' phone, in the kitchen - rang, and I thought about answering it. Then I decided to see who it was. It was Mike. "'Lo?" "Why aren't you carrying your cellph-" I hung up, then turned off the ringer. "Because I forgot to bring it, okay?" He didn't argue with me about it. *** 15:47 24 Oct Ricky asked, "Are you okay? You don't seem okay." "I'm fine... just tired. I didn't sleep well last night," I said. I hadn't been looking at him, and I didn't think he'd be looking at me, but I guess he was, because he came up and took my hand and held it. "Did you have a fight with Travis again?" *** 16:18 24 Oct Crying hurt a lot - a lot more than usual, even - but that didn't seem to stop me any. I'd have to say that I was stupid, I guess. But I wasn't so stupid I missed the knocking at the front door. "If it's him do you want me to tell him to go away?" Ricky asked as he ran for the front door. I was too crippled to catch him today. "Ricky! I'll GET IT!" I yelled, which seemed to pull something loose. *** 16:24 24 Oct "Did you take your sixteen-hundred meds?" Mike asked. *Damnit, that's it!* "You didn't! You stupid..." "Don't call her names like that!" Ricky challenged Mike. Mike turned to Ricky and I slapped the table, hard, to get Mike's attention back. I signed, staring him in the eye. "Fine," Mike snarled. "Take your d-" I started pulling things out of my belt pouch. *** 17:03 24 Oct "Oh, sh- I gotta get started on dinner," I realized. "What's cookin'?" Mike asked. "Can I help?" Ricky asked as he helped me up from the couch, where Mike had made me lie down. *** 17:08 24 Oct Miz Parker came home, and didn't really say anything to me; she just took Stella and the feeding supplies into the living room. "Is she mad at you?" Ricky asked me. "No... probably just had a hard day at work," I lied. 'Mad' wasn't quite the word... Luckily, meatloaf was easy and looked like I was doing something, so when she came home I was wrist-deep into it and looked like I hadn't forgotten. *** 18:03 24 Oct "It's better than the alternative," Mike said, and I wanted to throw the drugs at him. Instead, I threw in pills with my left hand and then liquid with my right and grabbed the juice glass with my left and managed to swallow a lump the size of a baseball. "Man," Ricky said in admiration. *** 18:10 24 Oct By the time Mister Parker got home, I had my fucking respiratory system back under control, and dinner was coming along. Mike had gone back to the living room, and Miz Parker I guess; I hadn't seen her, or Stella, for a while; I guess they were still talking, since if Mike had had to kill her he'd have called me immediately to help get rid of the body. Mister Parker looked at me weird too, for a while. But when I told him, "It's that good meatloaf again tonight," he smiled at me. That made me feel better. "I've been helping her!" Ricky felt it necessary to add. He'd been hanging around doing stupid young-boy stuff to try and distract me from crying. I sort of hated him for it, but I also remembered doing the same kinds of things myself... though they hadn't really worked then either. *** 19:07 24 Oct "I'll be fine, Mike. I just need to get some sleep." "You didn't sleep last night, though, did you." "Why the FUCK don't-" He grabbed my wrists and thus reminded me why the fuck he didn't just leave me alone. *** 19:22 24 Oct I was getting tired of being upset and crying and stuff in cars in front of other peoples' houses. I wanted to go home and do it in my room, where it was safe and nobody was around to 'help' me. "I don't want to go out to dinner again, Mike," I tried again. "Yes you do," he told me. "Oh, wait! I'm still officially grounded," I remembered with relief. Then I was disgusted that I was relieved, and vaguely ashamed that I was pulling that out in order to avoid going someplace, and hopeful that it would work. "I got a dispensation for you tonight," Mike said, which was beyond belief. Until he explained, "Deb- Your mom decided that Debbie knew a lot more about your feminine extracurricular activities than anyone else besides you, and so she's interrogating her. At your house." "Oh NO!" I complained. Of all the nasty rotten things to do to Debbie on a Friday night... Which concerned me because Debbie might hold me responsible. *Of all the dirty rotten things to do to ME on a Friday night,* I realized. "So I think we go somewhere else until your dad calls, and tells us the coast is clear," Mike nodded. "No shi- Oh shit." Debbie was undoubtedly going to 'explain' what had happened at the Parkers' the other night. "Oh shit." "What?" "What, can't you guess this time?" I snapped. "There's too much going on." He was so right it was sickening. Or maybe it was everything else going wrong that was sickening. "What is Debbie going to say, under MOM'S interrogation, about the Parkers this week?!" I was torn between familial loyalty and calling Miz Parker in an attempt to save her life. "Oh sh- No, wait. Debbie doesn't want them, the Parkers, fucked up any more than you do. If ANYTHING would piss them, the Parkers, off enough to try to fuck you back, it'd be something like your mom going over there and-" "That's exactly what I'm afraid of!" "Tuck, don't'cha think DEBBIE knows that?" I wasn't sure. "Fuck." "She DOES." "What, you talked to her?" "_I_ have MY cellphone, so-" "FUCK you Mike!" I snarled as I pushed him hard. He took it and rolled away with it. I ended up hurting me more than I hurt him. Damnit. *** 19:41 24 Oct "Hey!" I looked up, and Rachel was smiling at me. "Oh, hey," I said. "Got another tape for you..." "Are you feeling okay?" "I don't feel like talking about it," I said, losing my good mood emulation. After a short pause, she said, "Well, it's nice to see you again. I was kind of worried when you hadn't been here for so long, and nobody called me back for so long..." "Yeah, well... things were kind of busy then." I really didn't want to talk about that either. "Look, I gotta go; Mike's waiting for me outside." "Oh, okay," she said, but looked a little hurt. I wasn't sure I cared at first. Then I told myself, *She hasn't done anything except ask, and she's leaving it alone when you don't want to talk about it. So try to be friendly, stupid.* "So, uh, you going out tonight?" It wasn't a hard guess, since she had her hair done like she didn't normally. "Oh, yeah... what do you think about this?" she asked, and turned to show me something on a hanger. *** 19:54 24 Oct "Tuck, go in the bathroom and shoot up, there's a good fellow," Mike said. "Fuck YOU M-" "Remember this afternoon? Go do it." He pointed sternly to the bathroom. I snarled at him, but went to the bathroom to go cough crap out of my lungs and ingest startling quantities of frightening drugs. If I didn't, he'd drag me in there, or start singing very badly, or something else unpleasant until I did. *** 20:11 24 Oct "'Cause Kim's busy, and I said I'd pick Jill up," Mike said as I shrugged into a spare coat of Rachel's, a very ugly brown corduroy thing. Mike and Rachel had both insisted, and I was tired of resisting. I was plain tired. "What's Kim doing?" He shrugged. "Dunno, she said she was busy. Couldn't pick Jill up either." I tried to care and failed. "So what am-" "You go with Rachel, we'll catch up with you," Mike said. "Do I get any choice in this?" Mike gave me a look. "You can go up and change, into something relatively masculine, and you can come over to my house... But I already said I'd pick Jill up. You can't go home, Debbie's still there. I called, an' your dad got it." "Ohhhh shit," I moaned. "So." "Changing clothes HURTS, Mike!" It did, but mostly I didn't want to deal with HIS parents either. His mom was worse than mine was when I was sick, and I was just not in the kind of mood where I could endure ultra-nice concern being slathered over me. I just didn't want to say that out loud, because it would hurt his feelings. "So if you don't change I don't want to try explaining you to MY parents," he reminded me. "So we have to go somewhere else." "Shit!" I didn't like any of the options. "G'wan with Rachel, Tu-Val," he ordered. *** 20:45 24 Oct The Gay Cafe was kind of crowded at this point, and by the looks of things it was full of people having dinner before going clubbing. I sort of wished I'd changed into something like Rachel was wearing, because my ever-so-girly skirts and blouse looked very very frumpy in comparison to everyone else, and I was barely wearing enough makeup to tell I had any on. I was getting a lot of looks and second glances, which I did NOT need. Rachel, in her new black dress, fishnets, funky shoes, and slightly-Gothic and very obvious makeup, didn't even get a second look from the crowd. *** 20:47 24 Oct We hadn't even ordered drinks yet when Jill and Mike arrived. "Hey Val. Kathy said she might come by," Jill announced as she swung in and nodded to Rachel. "No date this weekend, surprise surprise." "Hey," Kelly said to me. "You feeling better? You look better." I was sure Mike hadn't said anything about picking up Kelly, but here she was. Fairly sure. *** 21:20 24 Oct "Mike?" "Eh?" "I gotta get OUT of here," I informed him. I was starting to spin, and the noise, lights, and crowd were making me kind of psychotic. "Party's over," he announced to the table, and threw some money on it. *** 21:23 24 Oct It was better sitting in Mike's car, out in the cold with the door hanging open, and I was glad he'd been forced to park at the other, relatively dark and quiet, end of the parking lot. But it wasn't that good. "Shit." I wished dearly that I hadn't left my car at Rachel's. "Do you need to go? Like go?" Mike asked. Go far away, very soon, he meant; as opposed to waiting for Kelly and Jill. "I don't know..." I thought about it. "No, it's better out here," I finally decided. Things were slowing down in my head. "You be okay for a few minutes? Alone?" I considered this. "Yeah..." "Lemme go in and check on the- Chick check," he chuckled. "Back in a few." "'Kay." I sat there, decompressing in the cold and relative quiet, and wondered why I had to go through this. All my bones ached, I was so tired. *All I wanted was to go home,* I thought wearily. *I didn't want to see anyone, I-* "Well hey, lookie what we got here," said an unfamiliar voice. It was coming from an unfamiliar face, or body since it was too dark to make out facial details, but I didn't know anyone quite that tall and skinny. And his clothes were odd. As I leaned back and got a hand on something reassuring, a second one said, "Looks like a-" A car turned in and flashed headlights across them, and the first guy was wearing sunglasses and lipstick and was grinning to show his fangs off. I just caught a glimpse of the second one's face, which also seemed to have more white in its mouth than a human ought... "Vampires?" I squeaked. I couldn't believe it. The two of them chortled, in that sort of 'we are so going to fuck you up' sort of way, that I was overly familiar with. "You shoulda stayed in your coffins tonight," I mentioned as I drew Mike's crowbar, "Motherfuckers YAAAAHHHH!" My stamina was way down and so was my speed, but they screamed like girls - young ones - before they disappeared into the night. I laughed until I had an asthma attack. *** 21:27 24 Oct "Vampires?" Mike questioned, like he wasn't sure he'd got it right. I signed. "He says that's what they looked like," he translated skeptically. "How many?" Jill asked. "Two?" Mike looked to me for confirmation and I nodded. "Two." "Two what?" Kathy asked as she came up. When I saw her, Pam was behind her, and she smiled at me and waved. "Two vampires, Val said," Mike explained. "She needed some fresh air, or to get away from the crowd before she went psychotic, an-" "Too late," Kathy smirked. "Fuck you." "Fuck off Kathy!" Jill chorused with me and Mike, adding a punch that Kathy deflected and turned into an arm lock. "Anyway," Mike continued, as Kathy let Jill go, "they were pulling the 'We are gonna scare the mundane chick' thing, on T- Valerie, and she pulled out the crowbar and scared THEM back into their graves." I had to laugh again, which hurt immensely and made me remember I needed some more drugs. *** 21:32 24 Oct "It's not safe to take you anywhere," Kathy said before she gently ruffled my hair, screwing it up. "Only if you're a vampire," I got out in one go. After a breath, I attempted, "And try to scare me with it," and succeeded, barely. I again remembered one of the reasons I used to hate being social; it was excruciating to try to talk when I was like this, and I used to be like this far too often. But people were way too stupid to leave me alone in times like this; they kept asking questions like, "Are you all right?" which I either answered, which made things worse, or didn't, in which case they'd do shit like call ambulances or store managers or principals or some dumbass. Cops were the worst; what the fuck was a cop gonna do, arrest my trachea? *** 21:39 24 Oct "Yeah, why not," I sighed. I wanted them all to go away and let me go home, but Debbie might still be there, and they wouldn't leave me alone anyway. "Good, 'cause I want to eat this before it gets cold," Jill said as she brandished her styrofoam box. They'd taken all their orders to go, which made me feel sort of bad, but not as bad as if they'd abandoned them. It would have been nice if they'd stayed inside to eat them, of course, but that was apparently unthinkable to anyone but me. *** 21:50 24 Oct It was sort of dangerous, going to any park at night, but it wasn't like we were the good victim sort; there were too many of us, we were too alert, and we even had multiple cars. If I was in the mood to mug someone, I'd go find easier prey. Unless I had automatic weapons, of course, or a sniper rifle, or something like that. When I thought that, I considered it for a while, then decided that no, even then I'd look for someone else. "So," Mike said as he stopped the Beast. "How you holding up?" *Want kill something.* He patted his pocket. "Your dad promised he'd call when Debbie left and it was safe for you to come home," he said. "Also, he had a bug about you not taking your cellphone, which is now delivered," he said rapidly before I could object too much. He then stopped, so I stopped hitting his arm. *** 21:52 24 Oct Jill must've been hungry, the way she was inhaling her food. Mike was always hungry; Kelly and Rachel were munching steadily; I wasn't hungry; and Kathy and Pam hadn't had time to order. "You know, you could've gotten something," I told them. "I could've waited." "Oh I ate dinner tonight," Pam said, and winced, like that was somehow wrong. "Val, I WORK in fast food," Kathy said with an expression of disgust. "The LAST thing I want right after a shift is fast food." "Sorry," I sighed, feeling guilty, because if I hadn't been there she could have ordered and gotten someth- "No sweat," she said, messing my hair again. "Right now, I don't want to eat ANYTHING." "What got you so upset?" Kelly asked offhandedly. I'd forgotten for a few minutes, at least. But it all came back. *** 22:05 24 Oct It was like a single LED in a dark basement, having the girls hold me, but it was better than nothing. *** 22:09 24 Oct "Don't you think you might have overreacted?" Kathy asked skeptically. "Fuck you! I know what they were doing! I saw it in her face!" She chortled and was going to make some sort of sardonic comment, and I couldn't take another one of those right now. *** 22:11 24 Oct It occurred to me to wonder why the hell they weren't doing the usual thing and following me, trying to talk about it some more. I looked back, and Mike was in trail about five meters back. he signed in infantry. But that was all he said. I felt a little better with him there, keeping the rest of them off, but I felt worse, that he thought I needed it, and that I did need it because I couldn't stand to be around people any more, even my friends. Maybe especially my friends. *** 22:20 24 Oct We went back to the cars when I thought I might be calm enough to endure them long enough to tell them to go away and leave me alone. Alone with Mike, anyway. I was tired enough, and sick enough of people, that I was almost willing to face Debbie and Mom at the same time, if I could lock myself into my room shortly thereafter, or a closet. The problem was, of course, Mom might decide to lecture me into a coma about what Debbie had told her... and Debbie wasn't going to be pleased with me either. As we got up to the cars, though, I heard music. *Huh?* When we got closer, I could see Pam dancing on the grass. I didn't really think about it; the music took me, because it was something I didn't recognize but it sounded like techno dance - maybe it was Pam's - and my brain just synched with the music and then I was sort of dancing. Not like Pam, because nobody could dance like Pam, and I was all broken inside, but I could move a little bit, in between the broken pieces of my body and the rhythm, and spin all the pain and everything away, into the music and out of me. *** 22:58 24 Oct The music stopped, and so did I. Then I realized, while a lot of me hurt, it was more of a muscle ache, and my lungs were relatively clear. And I felt... empty. Pam reached out and took and held both my hands, and that felt more intimate than sex. *** 23:37 24 Oct I still felt empty as I came out of Rachel's house, now deserted as everyone was out partying. Mike was waiting for me; Pam was taking Jill and Kelly home, and Kathy had come with Pam in the first place, so it was just him and me that went to get my car - not vandalized this time, probably because it wasn't in an insane-risk area like a school parking lot at night - and then into Rachel's townhome so I could change to go home. He hadn't said anything out loud, either. No one had. I don't know what, if anything, Mike had said to them. The girls had hugged me, gently, but no one had said anything. I was glad, because I liked feeling empty, and I was afraid - very dimly afraid - that anything like speech would perturb it and it would pop, like a soap bubble. *** 00:19 25 Oct In an amazing stroke of luck, nobody bothered me when I got home, either. *Maybe I need to dance more, and get in tune with the All. The Tao.* That just floated through and away. I took drugs, showered and coughed out - there wasn't much - brushed my teeth and et cetera, logged my current location as in the house - which I just barely remembered to do - and the last thing I did was remember the armor, and shrug into it, because it actually helped my ribs. Especially if I tried to roll over. The tape was sort of holding out, but I thought I could maybe use another coat; and it definitely didn't help against direct pressure. *** 04:02 25 Oct *Fuck...* I couldn't understand why all cough syrup had to be nasty-tasting. They should make some for adults that wasn't, if they were so afraid of little kids poisoning themselves with it. *** 06:01 25 Oct "Whrgh," I said accidentally, and then I was coughing badly. *Who's the fuck that came up with four-hour AND six-hour drugs? Should be one or the other, damnit!* *** 07:37 25 Oct "Eugene?" *Go AWAY, Mom,* I thought hard. "Eugene? You need to wake up... we have a long appointment with your therapist this morning, and it starts an hour earlier." *** 07:49 25 Oct I wished, dearly, that I was still empty, like I was last night. I could almost taste the feeling, or lack of feeling, but I couldn't stay there for more than a few seconds at a time. *** 08:10 25 Oct "No, no, it's fine," I lied intensely. It wasn't fine, and there wasn't anything I could do about it, except maybe trigger another asthma attack, a big one, so I could go to an ER instead. I really had to think about it, weighing the alternatives, before I decided on trying therapy. Besides, if it went the way I thought it was gonna go, I'd probably end up in an ER in an hour anyway. Maybe less. Which would hopefully 'suggest' to my parents that they should stop sending me to therapy. *** 09:04 25 Oct Sheila had made sure we had lots of extra time today, an hour front and back of my usual appointment, which did not make me feel good at all. Mom started, "I talked to Debbie last night. Eugene's old girlfriend?" *Oh no...* "Eugene? Are you alright?" Sheila asked. "No." I wasn't, and I was gonna be worse very soon. "Would you like to wait outside?" Sheila asked me. "Why should he wait outside?" Mom asked angrily. "This is- This has EVERYTHING to do with him." I wanted to yell back, 'I was doing fine until YOU interfered,' but self-preservation restrained me. "Miz Tucker, you're very angry right now... and can't asthma attacks be triggered by emotional stress?" I was astonished that Sheila had a clue. Maybe they'd had a sale, or maybe she'd been saving her clue-bits until she could get a whole one. Mom and Dad looked at each other and me and did that marital telepathy thing, because they both looked at Sheila at the same time and nodded at the same time. Dad pointed a finger-gun at me and shot out, "Don't leave town, kid," sounding amazingly like a Western. "Okay," I said as I escaped. *** 09:12 25 Oct I really wanted to escape at the moment, but I'd have to totally evacuate to be safe, and I didn't have enough money to live until I could get a real job; even then, I'd be traceable through my Social Security Number, and fake ones were sort of hard. Plus I felt like shit and didn't want to get up. But I REALLY wanted to escape. I heard a syllable or two dimly through the door - Mom of course - and cringed in my seat. *Maybe just one hit as a preventative...* That sounded like a good idea to me, so I had one. Emotional stress, hah. *So how come I have to go to therapy if emotional stress can put me into respiratory arrest, huh? Stupid...* *** 09:38 25 Oct The meds and the tension were getting to me; I was starting to wonder how I could pick a fight with someone else in the office. "Eugene?" "Ahh!" *Damnit!* Flinching hurt, a LOT. After giving me several seconds to catch my breath, Dad came over and put a hand out. "Time for you to come in." He sounded in Serious Mode. "How's Mom?" I asked, not taking the hand yet. "We're pissed, Eugene," he said. "But she's under control." "How under control?" I HAD to ask. "I got it," he said, even flatter and more Serious. I sighed, but took his hand and got up. Mom was glaring at the wall, and I carefully tried to avoid attracting her attention as I went to the chair as far away from her as possible. Possibly by coincidence, it was the one nearest the window, too. "Eugene," Sheila said quietly, "your parents are very upset over some things they found out yesterday. They said you broke some rules, about going places without notification, and about having sexual relations outside your house." "What?!" I'd never imagined Debbie would admit to doing anything like that, and doubly never to my Mom. Mom blipped and glared at Dad who glared back. Sheila looked at them until it was apparent that Mom wasn't going to jump to her feet and start yelling, then looked back at me. "What's the charges?" I asked Dad, ignoring Sheila. "Failure to obey house rules on dating and sex, lying about your location, multiple counts. I think four each," Dad stated. That was close enough I wasn't going to argue. I didn't want to sit there and think about the various incidents enough to dispute them either. "Nolo contendre. What's the fine?" "It's too late to ground you on those. Sheila intervened; special pleading prevents the usual doubling." It took me a while to parse that. When I nodded, Dad finished, "Two hundred dollars. Fine will also be doubled for future infractions, one hundred dollars per incident." "Yes sir." I didn't have two hundred dollars at the moment. "Payment in thirty days, twenty-four percent interest compounded monthly?" That sounded worse than 0.02 per month on the unpaid balance, but that was how we'd been taught about interest rates. Dad nodded. "Yes sir." "Eugene." I looked at him. "What did you do wrong?" "I lied about my location, multiple times," I said. "And?" "I didn't think you were serious about the at-home thing!" I protested. "That's-" That's what set Mom off. *Tuck, you fucking IDIOT...* *** 09:44 25 Oct Mom was pacing up and down, and yelling a LOT, but she wasn't getting closer than a couple of meters to me, which made me not feel worse. "If she's not a minor, then why didn't she - or you - act like adults about it, instead of sneaking around like delinquent juveniles?" *Because I was afraid you'd do EXACTLY this, you stupid bitch!* "Damnit, this is EXACTLY what happened to Susan!" Mom shrieked. "What?" She'd pulled that one out of nowhere- "That's why the hell we told you we wanted you doing things like this at home! So you WOULDN'T get into risky situations and be vulnerable!" Mom was dribbling tears, which I thought totally unfair, and rather scary. "Miz Tuck-" "Shut up!" Mom snapped at Sheila, her fists balling- Dad intoned, "Sarah." Everything stopped for a second. "Damnit, Eugene..." Mom started, then lost it, and just shook her head and wiped her face as she turned away. "I didn't want you to get hurt..." "Mom..." I just did not know what to say. "I'm sorry," I finally said, which was pitifully small. *** 10:05 25 Oct Mom had finally finished, or something, and I'd said that yes in future I'd obey this one - I really hadn't thought they meant 'we want you to have sex in this house'; I thought they'd meant 'we don't want you to have sex until you move out' - and then Mom had sort of dribbled off and Dad had taken her away at that point, probably towards breakfast, and I was stuck here, for a 'private' session. After Sheila shut the door after them, she came back and sat down. Pause. "It sounds like you had a stressful couple of weeks," she said, and it was so stupidly Sheila a comment I laughed. It hurt, but I laughed anyway. Pause. She was looking at me expectantly, almost smiling but I couldn't quite accuse her of that, like she wanted me to talk. "It sucked. All of it." She nodded, and it didn't look like a smile any more. Pause. "Do I have to talk about it?" I hated the whine I heard in my voice. "No, you don't," she said, which stunned me, so much that I missed whatever she said for a while after that. "...when something has happened. If you want to, you can. I won't be shocked or anything, and I won't tell your parents about what you say, if you're worried about that." Pause. "Uh, okay," I said finally, to show that I was conscious. Pause. We were pausing a lot today. "Look," I finally said. "I don't know what I think... Mom and Dad covered the facts, I guess. That and the reports." Dad had gotten a copy of my police report, I guess so I wouldn't have to write another one. That was nice of him... "So," I continued when I came back, "I don't really know what I think. I may be going back to school Monday... and I'm really tired. I stayed out too late last night. Debbie was- Mom got Debbie over somehow and was interrogating her about things, and Dad suggested I go elsewhere until it was safe to come home. Or Mike did," I realized; I hadn't actually talked to Dad about- "You didn't think it was safe?" My mouth fell open at this demonstration of Sheila-squared cluelessness. She HAD spent all her clue earlier. "Did you- Were you fucking HERE twenty minutes ago?! Did you hear Mom?" Sheila nodded. "Do you think I fucking ENJOY that? And that's AFTER she calmed down and thought about it. It would have been ten times worse if I'd been there during! Okay, not ten times, maybe three times." But 5dB gain was not trivial either. "And NOBODY likes being interrogated by Mom. And Debbie already had plenty of reasons to be pissed off at me..." Hell, I'd come close to shooting her. "So I had to stay out until Mom was done with Debbie." The advantages of having shot Debbie when I'd had the chance bubbled up in my head, but I wasn't stupid enough to mention them. *** 10:09 25 Oct "Well... what about you being attacked?" For some strange reason I got all defensive at the mention of 'attack', haha. "What about it?" Pause. "That was a traumatic incident," she said eventually. "What? Oh, yeah." Like, duh. "What?" I shook my head, gently when I remembered how my head hurt. "Yeah, but I got to surgery in time, and they didn't kill me, so... It's healing like it should." "That's not the sort of trauma I meant," she said. "What? Like, psych trauma?" She nodded. "What about it?" Her eyebrows went up. "Sheila, you keep talking- you always talk like this is an unusual thing, like... like I'm not used to it. I made a STUPID mistake, got-" "It wasn't a stupid mistake," she protested. "Yes it fucking was! Look what fucking happened!" "How is that your fault?" "I was in the wrong place at the wrong time! I should've held it until I was in a safer place!" "Eugene, why do you think you're to blame?" "What?! Who the fuck said I was to blame? I didn't tell them to come and fuck me up?" "But you just said-" "That's like blaming the rain for, for getting wet," I said, and wondered where THAT had come from. "I mean, there's assholes out there, they hate me, they'd like to beat me up and sometimes steal my stuff, and I KNOW this, but it's stupid of me to go into a dangerous area where there's a lot of them and not be alert for shit like what happened. But I made a mistake, and I WON'T make it again. If you get caught in a rainstorm, do you blame the rain or you for not taking proper precautions? But you don't care if you block the rain or whatever." That was stupid. "Or like bees." "What?" She really looked boggled now. "Bees, or wasps, things like that. I'm allergic to 'em. So, like, if I go someplace like an old house, and get stung, it's my stupid if I don't have Epi's with me- epinephrine autoinjectors," I sighed, and dug in my belt bag to show her one. "And other precautions. It's my fault if I don't have the tools, if I don't pay attention to likely spots like any underhangs, things like that. If I get stung, I did something wrong; if it's worse than just getting stung, I did several things wrong." "But don't you- I mean, it really hurts people to have things like that happen to them," she said earnestly. "Yeah? Maybe they're not used to being hated, hunted, all their life," I said. "Maybe they never saw a wasp before. I know what assholes are like, and I try to avoid 'em, and I know how to deal with 'em." Mostly by running away, which sucked but it worked a lot. *** 10:29 25 Oct "Can we NOT talk about this any more?" I begged. I felt bad enough. "Well, okay," Sheila agreed. Pause. Longer pause, as she consulted her several pages of notes. *She's being unusually reasonab-* She dropped the pages and asked, "Could I ask you a question?" "Sure," I said, feeling like I was back on solid ground. *I won't necessarily ANSWER it...* "So," she started, "it sounds like... like you've been, um, going out as a female?" "Huh?" Oh, yeah, that had blown up too. "Oh, yeah." She thought for a while, or whatever it was Sheila did, then asked, "Why didn't you mention any of that to me, in here? Before?" I could not believe she was this stupid. But, she kept waiting for me to answer it, or say something, so I finally took a breath and said, "Because you'd have done the same thing Mom and Dad did when they found out about it." She looked away and took a breath and I tensed up, because she was going to start yell- "Why would I have done anything like that?" "What?" "You... thought I would punish you somehow?" I wondered where the trap was, and what was going to trigger it. *Answering, probably.* Pause. She was looking at me again, and she didn't seem like she was going to attack me. "Yeah?" I dared. "Why would I do that?" I just didn't want to play this, all of a sudden; I was tired and my head hurt. Pause. Longer pause. "Do we need to talk about this now?" I finally asked. "I think it's important," she said calmly. I sighed. *Well, I got out of one today; guess it's too much to get out of two.* "Look, why don't you just yell at me, or tell me what I did wrong, or whatever, okay? I don't..." She finally said, "Don't what?" I didn't quite know, that's why I'd stopped. "I don't want to, to, to do this, to... I mean, look, you're mad, I didn't tell you things, okay, so, like, yell at me and get it over with, okay?" "I don't want to yell at you," she said. "Then what do you want me to say?" "I don't understand." "What? Don't understand what?" She looked away. "Why you're upset now... why you think I'm going to yell at you... I don't understand a lot of things about you. Especially now; it seems like a lot of you, like you've been hiding a lot of your self for a long time, from me, and... I don't know what to do about it." "Oh." *She's not my mom,* I realized. "I don't... I don't think you trust me," she said. I was obscurely ashamed, a little. "Remember what we agreed, a long time ago? When you told me you were gay?" she asked. I thought, and couldn't. "We signed a-" *Blood oath,* I remembered. "-blood oath." *Oh, shit.* "Wait, I didn't swear I'd tell you everything, I swore I'd- that I wouldn't commit suicide," I remembered as she got up. Memory was VERY clear of that, even if it was slow, because I'd bled on it. "Well..." She stopped, and thought. "Why didn't you tell me about it?" as she sat back down. I sighed. "I don't know right now." My head was throbbing hard enough I couldn't block it out any more. "We could talk about that later, if you promise to talk to me about it," she said. "Yeah, okay. Next week," I tossed off without thinking too much about it. "Next week? You promise?" "I swear that I will talk to you about, about..." *What the hell was- Oh.* "About why I have not told you about my going around as a girl before now, I will talk to you about it next week, I swear this," I got out. "Alright," she agreed. Pause. I noticed I was holding my head with both hands, elbows braced on my thighs and legs spread like I might barf between them. "Can we talk about something lightweight for a while?" I asked, just to get it on the record, so to speak. When my skull shrank enough I didn't think it was going to pop suddenly, I let go and sat back up. "Well... could you talk about WHAT," she emphasized, "you've been doing as, as a female?" "Huh?" "Like, do you go out, where do you go, what do you like to do, what's the difference between that and going out as a male..." "Oh, uh, yeah, I guess." I had to breathe for a while, though. "Uh, well... my friends, female friends, we go out sometimes... Sunday mornings, a couple of them, we go out to breakfast. That's as a girl." "Do you like it?" "Yeah, I mean, the food's good, and I don't have to clean up." "Well, that wasn't what I meant. Do you like going there as a female?" "Huh? Oh, it doesn't really matter, I guess. Just, I went there the first time as a girl, and I didn't think it'd be smart to go there as a girl one week and a guy the next. So it's sort of traditional now, I guess." "Traditional?" "Yeah... I mean, we went one other place, one time, when I just didn't feel like it, and it was... I mean, it was like all the church people going to breakfast. None of us liked it, so we didn't go there any more..." *** 11:11 25 Oct I'd started getting kind of raspy before I realized it, and then I remembered that A, I had drugs I ought to be taking if I was feeling like this, and B, Sheila had said that I didn't HAVE to talk if I didn't want to. *** 11:17 25 Oct "Therapy's supposed to HELP, right?" I asked Mom rhetorically. "So if it's not helping me to talk about it right now, then why should I do it? I can talk about it later." "Well, if you don't need to talk about anything, there's stuff _I_ want to talk to her about," Mom said firmly, her jaw getting stiff. "Okay, fine," I lied. As long as I could sit down shut up and sign off, I'd be happy. *** 11:21 25 Oct "Kid." I opened my eyes and Dad was looking at me. "Kid," he said again, "if you're gonna sleep, why don't you come do it in the office? I want to hear what's going on in there, and I can't do that and watch you at the same time unless you come in." "Why- Oh." Because if I was asleep and someone strange came in - haha, like anyone in a therapist's office would be normal - I'd wake up in a scramble and those were not good for me. "I don't have to talk, she said I don't." He nodded agreement, then fished in his pocked and pulled out a packet of earplugs. I didn't need to be asked twice. Actually, I didn't need to be asked once; I took them and stuffed my ears as quick as I could grab them out of his hand, and by the time I was walking through the door, the foam was expanding and everything audio went far away. Dad sat down on the couch, facing Sheila, and patted the cushion next to him. he signed at me. I nodded and sat down carefully next to him, and he put his arm around me, and I closed my eyes. *** 11:46 25 Oct "kid!" It seemed very far away. I opened my eyes, and Dad was glaring at me. "wake up!" he said, his mouth opening a lot more than the volume. I glared back at him until I realized why it was so quiet and peaceful. I sighed and started trying to fish the earplugs out. *Wonder if I could 'accidentally' shove 'em deep... Then they'd call Doc Treble and she'd be all annoyed. Or one of 'em would go at me with tweezers or forceps or something.* Dad usually carried a Leatherman, either in his pocket or in a belt pouch; I didn't EVER want him that close to my brain with steel tools. *** 11:49 25 Oct "No, I don't want to go to lunch... I want to go home. 'M tired." I had an idea. "Hey, why don't you drop me at home and then go? Ask Brian if he wants to go." "Eugene," Mom said sadly, like I was being depressed or something. "Mommmmm!" I hated when I did that. "Please," I tried, and this time it came out sort of normal. "I just want to sleep." Mom's eyes flicked over to Dad, but even though I turned to look I missed whatever it was that made Mom say, "Okay, Eugene, if you promise to sleep as much as you can." "I swear." It wasn't going to be hard to keep; and I really did want to sleep. "Drugs first," Dad said. "It's about time." "I hate you. I hate drugs too." WHY did they make drugs in four- AND six-hour doses? If I didn't have a printed list in the bag of drugs, which I did, I'd never be able to keep straight which ones I took at which intervals. *** 12:20 25 Oct *Goodbye cruel world... Hello, bed.* I introduced myself more properly and we got intimate and comfy together. *** 16:00 25 Oct "Bee-bee-beep!" That woke me up, and I dazedly opened my eyes just in time to catch a strobe right into my optic nerve. I tried to scream, but that just knocked the crud loose... *I am going to kill whoever is on the phone,* I vowed as I had an involuntary fit. They hung up before I got enough spare breath to scream. "Bee-bee-beep!" Reprogramming the MacinClock had been a serious mistake. I should've put a stake through its CPU. *** 16:06 25 Oct I thought about looking to see who it was, but decided that I hated them so much, I wouldn't. *Serves 'em right for trying to kill me like that...* *** 16:19 25 Oct *Damnit, how can I be this hungry?* Too hungry to go back to sleep, anyway. *I just ate... uh... * Come to think of it, I couldn't remember the last time I ate. Maybe that had something to do with it. I sighed carefully, and went through the involved process of trying to get up again without doing anything that would force a morale check. *** 16:26 25 Oct *Wonder what Sabrina wanted?* It was unusual for her to call on a Sunday... I checked, and it was Saturday. *Still unusual.* *** 16:37 25 Oct "Well, it's not like it's gonna do me any WORSE, you know?" I said, trying to convince them. It might actually do me some good. Last night had done something; I still felt a little drained, instead of full-to- exploding with emotional pressure, even after this morning's inquisition. "Is Mike going to be there?" Mom asked. "What? No! Not at Sabrina's house!" Mom and Dad looked at each other, and I got a sinking feeling. *** 16:41 25 Oct "She WHAT?!" I didn't quite believe it myself. "She said, she'd REALLY rather me be here, with you guys here, or I need Mike to be-" Sabrina complained, "I can't sneak Mike past- Oh." "That's why they said maybe I should have it over here." Maybe Mom should get OFF the drugs, I was thinking. "I don't know if this is a good idea or not," I told her. "I mean, I do NOT have to go, not if it's going to wreck things for everyone else, you know?" "Yeah, I..." She sounded distracted. "Can- When do you have to decide?" "Um..." *** 16:45 25 Oct "Any time, she said," I repeated. Brian had taken the opportunity to set up an overnighter at someone else's house tonight. I couldn't blame him; Mom on drugs was seriously strange. I was thinking about going over to Mike's house if they wouldn't let me go to Sabrina's, except I had to ask about having it here since they had asked me... plus, Mike's mom would unavoidably be there. *Why?* I suddenly realized. *I don't HAVE to have them over here just because Mom said-* "Man," someone who wasn't Sabrina said. "Wh- Kim?" "Yeah-" "I conf called everyone," Sabrina explained over Kim. "Not everyone," Kathy disputed, or someone who sounded like Kathy. "Uhuh?" I wondered if there was some way to extract the conference calling linkage information via Caller ID. I couldn't think of one, no matter how useful it would be at a time like this. Dad would know... *** 16:57 25 Oct "No, Mom, Jello's fine at the moment." I'd eat the entire bowl, or what was left after the two-legged sibling rats had gnawed on it, and that would rehydrate me some as well as stifle the cravings. "Are you fixing supper?" "Y- Is anyone coming?" she asked, as I figured out that she was cooking by the cutting board and the rice cooker going and things like that. I was pretty dumb at the moment. "What?" Before she could tell me, I got it. "You mean, did I invite anyone over to supper here, without asking you first? The answer is 'No I'm NOT that dumb.'" I almost was, but the Jello would help with that, I was pretty sure. Kind of sure. "Well what time will they start getting here?" she asked. "You said anytime!" "I just wanted to know what time they'd start showing up," she said, trying to be nice about it. "Dunno." Still dumb. "Seven, I think," I lied. "Mike might come over earlier. He's like that." "He's like that," she agreed. *** 17:39 25 Oct Brian was so excited he actually put his fork down. I stared at it, as it lay there stationary. "Dude, you HAVE to see this bike," he grinned. He'd been working on something all day. "What's so special about-" "You know how you've been sick and all?" "I noticed-" "So like-" he continued over me. How rude to ask a question without waiting for an answer. "I was thinking that there's no way we could carry you if we had to evacuate, you know?" I preferred not to think about that. It had come up, more than once, in my thoughts; I just hoped that willpower, adrenaline, Mike, and the drugs we had would let me cope. "So I was in class thinking and-" I skipped the obvious straight line here, because Mom was at the table and paying attention. It hurt. "-what I thought was, you know how the Viet Cong did- I mean, could carry stuff on bicycles?" "Yeah?" "Like TWO HUNDRED kilos, I looked it up," he said. "And they were all skinny underfed and stuff. So I thought, if they could do it, we could do it... and the Ho Chi Minh Trail wasn't like all flat and stuff, it was pretty rugged in parts..." He looked at Dad for confirmation, and Dad nodded. "So if we could do something like that, then we could carry you, or someone else, plus all the packs, even if someone got wounded or something." "But how're you gonna-" "See, that's it!" he said excitedly. "What I thought was-" "No paper at the table," Mom sighed at Brian as he got up. "Mommm!" "Aw come on," I protested. It was an old rule and a tired rule. *** 17:57 25 Oct "Gook's here," Brian yelled. "Dork's here," Mike yelled in almost identical tones. "Children!" Mom yelled in the general direction of the front door. Mike hated that. Brian did too but he was still childish sometimes so he needed it. *** 18:19 25 Oct Mike had taken the opportunity to make some money off our chores, which annoyed me, because I was disqualified. Which is why I was outside looking at the bike. But I was getting interested in spite of myself. "Man," I said. "You really think it'll work?" Brian answered, "Dad said probably, he'd have to test it out." He'd put on wood mockups of all the attachment points, cut off a dowel I'd guess, and I could see exactly what he'd been talking about. But Brian couldn't weld - yet; I gave it until he was fifteen and Dad realized he couldn't do any more damage with a welding unit than he could with a car - and I for damn sure wasn't going to mess around with explosive gases and open flame when I was sick and drugged, so Dad would have to do it. "He said he'd do it tomorrow." "Wow." If Dad was gonna do it tomorrow, he was interested. "And, see, like this," he said as he looked at the test bicycle and saw something else he wanted to talk about, and started pointing, "if we don't want to rig up a trailer, we can- I mean, someone can kind of sit here, on the back..." "Yeah but that's kinda-" "Yeah you'd have to switch packs and stuff around, it'd be harder. Might be easier with the cart setup, but I dunno." He looked frustrated. "I wish Dad'd come and work on it; he keeps saying that it all SOUNDS good but-" "Yeah, but you know how it is, you have this great idea but then it doesn't work or you forgot one little thing that breaks everything, or you just can't get the materials or tools or something. You know. Like with the radios." Those had taken years of work; and a lot of truly brilliant ideas had been flushed down the toilet for one piddly real- world reason or another. "Yeah or like that armor," Brian agreed. "Dad had this idea, for- to shield your ribs, with the trauma plates? The light kevlar ones?" "Aw man!" I REALLY wished that idea had worked out. *** 18:28 25 Oct "I hate doing dishes," Mike said. "So don't agree to do them." "What's Brian excited about?" *** 18:39 25 Oct We were up in my room looking on the Internet for information about military bicycles, especially pictures, when the phone flashed and rang. "Damnit, turn the audio ringer off, would you?" I complained as I grabbed the headset and put it on, then grabbed the pickle. It was Sabrina again. "Hello?" "Hey Val! Everything's cool there, right?" "Uh, yeah, I think so..." "Okay, be there at eight! Seeya!" She hung up before I could ask or say anything else. "I thought I said seven?" "Do what?" Mike asked. "Sabrina said she'd be here at eight." "I thought you said seven?" "Fuck OFF!" *** 19:06 25 Oct The front doorbell flashed, and Mike and I looked at each other. "They said eight! Right?" Mike asked as we stood up. "She said eight!" I complained. "Go look!" I was wired up again and couldn't get loose quickly without causing some equipment damage. *** 19:08 25 Oct "I thought you said seven," Jill told me, like it was my fault. "Jill, shut up," I sighed. Mike asked, "Where's Kim?" Jill shook her head and looked distracted. "I dunno... she said she wasn't feeling well and she was gonna stay home tonight." "She sounded okay on the phone," I said. "Yeah, I know... maybe it just got her sudden or something." "Not strep, then," Mike said. "Wonder if we-" The front doorbell strobed again. "I ain't gettin' it, I'm sick," I reminded everyone with relief. *** "... and start school again when I get tired of living." - the SO Distribution: No part of this work may be distributed as an original work by another person or group. Permission is given to redistribute this by electronic means, as long as the entirety of the work (from the BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE header to the END PGP SIGNATURE footer) is distributed, and credit is given to the original author, me. And no fee may be charged. Archiving is permitted provided no fee is charged for access. 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