The Email Rules
EMAIL ADDRESS HAS CHANGED FOR 2007!
I like getting email. Sometimes it's one of the few things that
sustains me through the dark times.
There are some things I can't stand.
Therefore, writing me email is an acceptance of responsibility for
reading these, comprehending these, and not doing these.
If you are COMPLETELY new to email, if people have complained to
you about your email, or if you use Hotmail, AOL, or
Yahoo I suggest browsing two websites:
These will give you a Big Clue.
The basic standards are: MIME type plain-text, less than 75 characters
per line, hard-coded CR/LF markers. No HTML or degenerate versions.
If you don't know what these are, go read the links above.
The appropriate standards are contained in
RFC 1855. Stick to
The punishments will be enforced. I may, at my SOLE option, decide to
warn you the first time it happens.
Being drunk, stoned, or whatever is not a mitigating factor. If
anything, I'm more likely to be annoyed if you claim you did it while
Don't send me sympathy mail
I am chronically depressed; this is a fact. I cannot stand people
sending me simple-minded 'just cheer up' letters. They hurt,
physically. If I was capable of cheering up, I'd have done so and I
wouldn't be chronically depressed. You wouldn't dare tell a blind
woman, "Oh, just open your eyes and see."
Punishment: I will unleash the other side of my depression upon you.
If you don't want me to play with it don't send it
If you send anything to me, without my express prior agreement, you
have just given me permission to do anything I want with it. This means
letters, stories, pictures, programs, or anything else.
Punishment: It's mine and I'll keep it and do what I want with it.
Don't send me large things like pictures
Attachments, especially pictures, are large; and I don't like large
things squeezing through my small modem. If I have not given you
express prior permission to send me something like a picture or a
program, don't send it. Ask if I want it first, and WAIT UNTIL I TELL
YOU I DO before you send it. Permission also EXPIRES in 14 days/336
Punishment: I'll mail you something nasty and large back.
Don't send me multi-mails
Anything with more than a 'few' recipients in the To: and CC: fields
on the email. This means, don't hit 'Send to Everyone In My Address
Book' if I'm in your address book. And I get to define 'few'.
The reason for this, is that not only do I have to deal with the
virii/worms/spyware/trojans of your computer, I will now have to deal
with the ones on the computer of everyone else you sent the multi-mail
to. Worms/virii/trojans/spyware HARVEST email addresses from address
books so they can send spam to more email addresses. This exponentially
increases the amount of shit I get in my mailbox. Furthermore, I don't
WANT everyone in the world to have my email address immediately; I want
them to read this page first. Lastly, multi-mail is usually crap, like
StupidJokeOTheDay or MakeMoneyFast, and like I said earlier, I get more
than enough crap.
Punishment: I will craft the nastiest letter I can think of, and send it
to everyone else as a Reply-To-All-Recipients, and you can explain to
(say) your boss why some lunatic transsexual is emailing the entire
company with vitriolic rantings and sick pornography. Or perhaps to
twenty of your closest friends and family (like your wife) why some
drugged-out sexual pervert freak is sending long excessively-explicit
love letters. I will craft these for maximum damage to violators.
On the other hand, I may just put your email address up as someone
who wants to receive email, LOTS of email.
No proprietary formats
I do not use off-the-shelf software; I use under-the-rock software. Many
companies use completely nonstandard formats that cannot be decoded by
any other program; Word, Excel, and Adobe's PDF files are constant
problems. I cannot read them. If you are going to send something (did
you ask first?) make sure it is not in one of these formats. If you
don't know, either ask FIRST, or assume that I can't read it and put it
into a different format.
Punishment: I'll just throw it away if it's small; if it's large, I
will send you binary files marked as text. I have gigabytes of binary
Use your brain
Anything that I think generated without any brains or human
involvement at all will be dumped.
Punishment: Whatever I feel like. Sometimes I feel like
erasing someone else's computer.
The email rules really aren't that hard to follow. Hundreds of people
have written me for the first time and had no problems whatsoever,
besides the fact that they are now talking to me and I can't objectively
recommend that as a Fun Thing.
My response time varies between a few minutes (rare) and a week (equally
rare except during computer outages); the average is about 36 hours.
I rarely care about your personal details in the first few letters; if I
want more information on you, I'll ask. Really.
Please use a spell checker. Constent mispeling an gramer bad make me
think you are a moron. I do make exceptions for non-native English
speakers... but they often write better English than Americans.
Do not use all capital letters, as my brain translates it as yelling.
I do NOT like being yelled at.
This year (2002), I am averaging 11.8 emails per day, not counting spam
and viruses and other garbage.
I like talking about Tuck (or other writing), and I really like hearing
about any clever bits you've found, that made you laugh or cry or
whatever. I also like hearing ideas on what should happen next; but
don't assume that they will be used. Also, I don't give out hints as to
what's going to happen next in the plot; I do however enjoy mildly
tormenting people who ask for spoilers with a mix of lies and shadings
and refusals to answer with the occasional bit of truth thrown in. I
also love reading any ideas you might have for future plot
complications, or situations you've had involving anything mentioned in
Tuck (anecdotes or 'war stories' about children, camping, driving,
recent school experiences, dating, whatever).
I also like getting - and desperately need - good links to add to the
Links page, as well as sources of information. And I also like getting
corrections of any web page errors you find - errors you find in
writings are unfortunately uncorrectable due to things I may explain
The reason the email address is no longer a link, and must be typed in
by you by hand, is that I was (by the end of 2003) receiving over one
hundred spams per day, totalling over three hundred kilobytes per day.
This totaled around 110Mb per year, greatly interfered with my
downloading of legitimate mail, required me to hand-sort all mail for
spam, and probably cost me some letters which I accidentally rejected
Thank every single one of the spammers for this. Every time you've
responded to anything they've ever sent you, you helped encourage them.
If you are using Outlook or Outlook Express, please switch email
programs as these two are a significant contribution to the spam
If you are using Windows of any sort, invest in a firewall so that your
computer is not part of the spamming problem. A large number of attacks on
personal computers nowadays will change the victimized computers into
covert email-senders, which then spew spam continuously.
I have switched email addresses at least twice, and as of mid-2009 the
only spam I am getting to the current account is
Nigerian 419-type scams. Thanks to whatever stupid fucker out
there either signed me up deliberately, or is running such a shitty
computer setup (primarily Outlook and Outlook Express) that the current
address got stripped from their address book.
Currently, I am using the following services offered by
Their "MX+ Check" got rid of even more spams, but blocked a few people
using what I consider marginal email providers - things like Hotmail,
if I remember correctly.
- Add sent-email to local (editable) whitelist
- Validate return-path address
- Block executables
- Explicit blacklist
Note that, if the rules above are not followed, I will likely add your
email address to the blacklist, which dumps your email someplace I will
NEVER see it. Don't bother complaining to me at that
Please remember, you are responsible for sticking to
standards and my